Some of you are much too young to know what I'm talking about in this post, so you will have to call your moms and ask her. Young people... Geez.
- Peter Fonda. The original Joe Cool-Bad Boy. Mr. Easy Rider. Motorcycle Guy. Peter Fonda is now Mr. Time/Life Flower Power Infomercial Guy. It's time to call the agent, Pete. Things aren't looking good. Wearing a leather jacket does nothing to counteract the effects of hosting this show, you know. You are now in the same category as Barry What's-his-name (that old fart who was Greg from the Brady Bunch), and that little tiny creepy dude from The Monkees. Do you really want that, Pete? Do you? Seriously, not a good career move.
- Joe Cocker. They showed some very old footage of him I'd never seen before- way before his Saturday Night Live/funny John Belushi imitation days (and if you're already lost with these references, maybe you should just sit this one out. Don't even bother calling your mom. Go watch "Saved By the Bell" reruns, then come back later). He was really young. And yet, he was every bit as spazzy and herky-jerky as I recall him being later on. I just always assumed years of drug use made him that way, but apparently he started out like that. Does he have some sort of condition that I am unaware of? Have I been making fun of someone all these years who couldn't help it? That's the type of thing the Lord frowns upon, is it not? Do I owe Joe an apology?
- Tommy James... of Tommy James and the Shondells (Crimson and Clover, Mony Mony, I Think We're Alone Now) was seriously weird-looking and kind of creeped me out a little. I'd never seen him before and 3:00 in the morning, in the dark, was not the time for us to meet. He had Joan Jett hair, a girly outfit, and... I don't know. He just wasn't right. It will be hard to get back to sleep. I'll have to turn on my closet light. Tommy owes me an apology.
- These kinds of commercials always have a host and a co-host. While one is talking, the other will stand there looking at his/her partner, nodding in agreement. He/she will then turn and look at you, still nodding, and begin to do the contemplative, I-totally-agree-with-what-this-idiot-is-saying "frown-smile." You know, where the person is smiling, but the corners of the mouth go down instead of up? This seems to be a standard infomercial maneuver. I hate that. Why do they always do that?
- Whiter Shade of Pale. Who can explain the meaning of this song's lyrics to me, please? It's a pretty song, but I don't get it. "We skipped a light fandango, turned cartwheels cross the floor. I was feelin' kinda seasick. The crowd called out for more. The room was humming harder, as the ceiling flew away. When we called out for another drink, the waiter brought a tray. Blah, blah, blah..." Is it possible that I am not as deep and philosophical as I think I am?
- Ladies who look like they could be, and probably are, called "Nana" by someone should not make statements like, "I was born to be wild." It makes people want to vomit. I cannot stress this point enough. All of America, and most likely Canada, agrees with me, Ma'am. You should be stopped.
- Should I be embarrassed to admit that I kind of wanted to buy this collection after investing so much of my time into it?
After this one ended, I flipped to a different channel and... Cripes, there's Larry King. Is something wrong with Larry? Has he gone nuts and CNN forgot to tell us? He seems senile. He's 96 years old; it may be time for a gold watch, Dude- know what I'm sayin'? If he's such a great interviewer, shouldn't he let the people he's interviewing finish a sentence? Isn't he supposed to LISTEN to their answers? Am I not understanding the job of an interviewer? Moving on... Let's give Pam Dawber a chance to convince me I need EyeQ. She almost did, but Pam Dawber has always gotten on my nerves. Nice try, Pam. You almost had me, but... Leeza Gibbons is currently selling Sheer Cover on another channel and a paid (oops, I mean satisfied) user just tearfully admitted that this product not only healed her skin, it healed her spirit. How cool is that? See Pete, you should've auditioned for the Sheer Cover gig instead, buddy.