Saturday, February 16, 2008

Where are YOU from?

Hope everyone had a nice Valentine's Day. Did you all get to celebrate in a special way, I hope? I commemorated the day with a giddy, fun-filled, romantic trip to Wal-Mart! I know- this is a topic almost too hot and racy to talk about in polite circles, but an afternoon at the grocery store really puts me in the mood to... well, you know...


...BURST into the house like *Linda Blair with PMS, SLAM my keys and bags down on the counter, SCREAM something irrational and only slightly profane (I am a good Christian girl, after all, so it can't be too profane- "Only Words Included in the Bible" is my rule) about how nobody ever hears me HONK when I pull up to the house and I know that's being done DELIBERATELY, accuse the first person to ask "What are we having for dinner?" of TRYING TO DRIVE ME OVER THE FLIPPING EDGE JUST FOR THE FUN OF IT, say something that is supposed to be an angry, scary threat but will only end up making the kids laugh, like:

  • "If you don't GET UP and start helping put up these groceries, I'm going to spread you on a cracker and EAT YOU," or...
  • "Look at me with that face one more time and I'll be on you like stink on a monkey, PAL!"
Then, to top off the joy of the day, I like to stand in utter SHOCK and DISMAY as I look over what I bought while scanning my receipt for two hundred bajillion dollars and realize there really, honestly isn't ANYTHING in these stupid bags to fix for dinner... After that, I start to get a tiny bit grouchy and the day begins to go downhill.

Hey- a little bit off-topic, but here's what I want to know... Why does every woman shopping at my Wal-Mart, from the age of 10 up, seem to have a cigarette dangling out her mouth and one of those scary old man laughs that sounds kind of like a cough/choke/wheeze/dying breath? Is this a worldwide Wal-Mart phenomenon, or is it unique to my region? These "ladies" always have rotting and/or missing teeth and in need of a good scrubbin.' They are quite obviously able to invest in tanning visits, but not in a bottle of shampoo. I don't get that. They seem to enjoy shouting the word, "Sheeeyooot." Walking past them is like experiencing "Jerry Springer Live:" "...He said he'd pay the dang child support if I'd agree to the paternity test, but sheeeyooot...." And why do they all seem to think that going braless is a good fashion choice? It's some kind of geographical oddity, like the Bermuda Triangle or something. I know they sell bras around here. I believe they even stock them at Wal-Mart. I've seen them. So it can't be blamed on a lack of availability. Maybe if they were hung right next to the beer aisle...??...

A woman whose breasticular portions have grown too tired to remain on her chest, or even above her waist, should keep those poor things duct-taped up. It's every woman's responsibility not to frighten or nauseate people with her dangly parts. It's not right to subject people who are shopping for food to such things. I'm going to try to say this as delicately as possible, so as not to offend anyone, but you know the parts of a woman's pectoral area that react strongly to the cold? Are we all on the same page here? OK. Those parts are supposed to be looking straight ahead. They should not be looking down at the floor or at someone's shoes. I, as a Christian woman, am embarrassed and offended when I notice your nerps are staring at my feet. In addition, they should not be resting on the waistband of your pants. If they are, your days of tank tops without a bra have passed. Deal with it. Allow yourself a few moments to grieve the passing of your youth. Then buy a bra and move on. I'm sorry, but that's just how I feel. The plus side of all this is, it really does make me feel better about myself. I do feel prettier and even a little sex-ay after going to Wal-Mart. And, really, that's all that matters.

Back to Valentine's Day. That was what we were talking about, wasn't it? Alex had games Thurs. and Fri. night, and Darrell was just getting over an icky flu bug, so he and I didn't go out for Valentine's this year. We've been married almost 19 yrs., so flowers and all that junk just isn't how we roll. But, he did take me out to lunch last Tuesday, on HIS birthday to MY favorite place, so... You can't beat that. The girls and I planned to make red velvet Valentine's cupcakes together for all the special guys in the house, but that had to be postponed because several of the kids are sick, too. Colds and Flu- the gifts that keep on giving. Hopefully, we'll get to do the cupcakes later today.

Anyway, the reason for my post today had nothing to do with any of that stuff- I meant to briefly ask about your Valentine's Day and move on, but I got sidetracked (Thanks, ADD!). What I was going to tell you was...

I got to thinking (which is hardly ever a good thing), and I came up with a new way to answer the never-ending question, "Where's she from?"
Well? ...What do you think?


(*For you young little snots who will be asking, "Who is Linda Blair?" She was in a little movie back in the 70's called "The Exorcist." Her character was slightly unpleasant and emotional throughout most of the film.)

5 comments:

LaLa said...

I almost spit out my wine ~ what a waste that would be. LOVE the shirt...

Anne & Grant said...

I can proudly say that I knew exactly who you were talking about when you said Linda Blair. I'm not THAT young ;) I absolutely love the t-shirt!!! And by the way, I have now added 'bresticular' and 'nerps' to my vocabulary. And for that I will be forever grateful ;)

Heather & David said...

This was just what I needed to cheer up my day. Love the post... unfortunately, I can visualize this all too easily because of the town I live in.... and I loooovvve the shirt.

Gina said...

Hilarious! We must shop at the same Walmart!

Lee said...

Her shirt ROCKS!