I have seen something, friends. Something that signals the approaching apocalypse more than ever.
I'm not sure I can even get the words out, I'm still so frightened by what I've witnessed.
Last night... I was innocently channel surfing, and...
I clicked past QVC (you know... the shopping channel?), and I saw...
(change the channel RIGHT NOW, stupid girl)
I saw Barry... Manilow. And he...
Wait. I need a moment...
So I stopped for a second on that channel (stupid, stupid girl) because I innocently thought, "Hey, what's Barry Manilow doing on QVC? That's weird."
Truer words have never been uttered, dear ones. It was weird. It was more than weird.
If only I would have heeded the sense of foreboding welling up within- that overwhelming feeling that something wicked this way comes- and changed the channel before I saw...
Before I saw...
Barry was on QVC singing...
He was singing...
He was singing Careless Whisper... you know, the George Michael (Wham!) song?
("I'm never gonna dance agaaain...Guil-Tee feet have got no rhy-thm")
Wait. I need another moment.
(Though it's easy to preet-hend, I know you're not a foo-hhooolll")
Sweet fancy Moses... The closing of the eyes. Whoops, I vomited in my mouth a tiny bit.
Barry was really feeling this song, know what I mean?
("I should have known better than to cheat a friend...)
The... Aw, Geeyawww... The Seductive Glances...
(Did Bar just look directly at me and attempt to make a sexy face? Oh, please. Say he didn't. Why, yes, Michelle. I believe he did.)
("And waste a chance that I've been given")
And the hand motions. Dear Lord. The hand motions.
("So I'm never gonna dance again, the way I danced with yoooooo-ooooo-oooo")
Gah... Somebody, please. Help me. Make it stop.
That's all I want. Just please, make Barry go away.
MAKE IT STOP.