Doctors...

I can't stand these people. Technically, I don't think they can really be called "people," but still. I seriously doubt any doctors read my blog because their time is just too precious, and they are waaaaaay too smart to bother with an idiot like me (This would be sarcasm, here. I do that)- but just in case, I should say that I know not all of them are horrible. My kids' doctor is wonderful. We've been seeing her since I was pregnant with Evan (1994). She knows us. She talks to us and with us, not at us. She's just a person who happens to be a physician, know what I mean? And she's a darn good one. She cares. She realizes my input as the mother and the one who sees the kid 24/7 should not be discounted. I'd be sick at the thought of losing her. My husband's doctor (and mine, too- on occasion) is a really normal, down-to-earth, funny guy. Again, he talks to us. He listens. He asks questions and hears the answers. He signs 11 copies of the same piece of adoption paperwork without an attitude.

So yeah, there are some decent ones out there, and if one of those decent ones is reading today, just ignore my rant because it obviously doesn't apply to you. If, however, you are swirling in the cesspool of humanity that makes up the majority of the medical establishment (according to my own poll), and my comments do apply to you, then by all means, please do take them personally. It's probably about time someone told you the cold, hard truth anyway. I realize your time is precious and you won't listen to me anyway, so I'll sum it up quickly (that's what you like, right? Short, quick, to the point...): You suck. How's that? Quick and direct?

Was that a little harsh? It felt kinda harsh. I have an extreme dislike of you and your kind, is what I would be indicating here. Did you pick up on that?

The type of doctor who makes my blood boil has that whole nauseating superiority thing going on. You know the type, right? Educated Idiots. The self-righteous, self-involved, self-important, self-satisfied, egotistical, sanctimonious, smug, asinine type. Did I make that clear enough? I could add a few more adjectives if needed, believe me. The arrogance. The conceit. Oy. A whopping 94.87% of these morons (again, my own poll) can't even seem to comb their frickin' hair, so why are they so deluded into thinking they're better than everyone else on the planet?

A little bonus story: When I was having my c-section with Tucker in 1998, they let a med student do my epidural. They did not tell me he was a med student at first, but it wasn't hard to figure out when he poked me repeatedly in the back with the needle and a sharp, unholy, burning pain hit my lower back and went down my hip (which was nowhere close to the needle). He must have done this ten times. I'm kind of funny about showing pain or admitting to any kind of injury or illness when I'm around people, so it's pretty unusual for me to YELL, "OH MY GAAAWWWD!" over and over, as I sink my nails into the poor nurse standing in front of me. The med student kept saying, "I'm sorry! Oh... I'm so sorry." Yeah, he really exuded confidence, which was comforting.

Anyhoooooo... The epidural, once it was finally done, did not numb me up far enough. So when the actual c-section finally started, I could feel everything above the belly button. Since this was my third c-section, I knew what to expect and how they felt, and this was not how they were supposed to feel. I asked the lady standing by my head (Nurse, I guess? Who knows.) if I should be experiencing this much pain, and I told her it was getting to the point of being unbearable. Get this: She said... "You mean pressure? You're not feeling pain. You're feeling pressure. Pressure is normal." I set her straight in that very kind, calm, Christian way I have and explained that, yes, in fact I was feeling pain and golly, it would sure be great if someone could do something about it before I pass out and/or choke on my own vomit.

See? This is what I'm talking about, people. This whole haughty idea that we are just dumb sheep who could not possibly know what we're talking about, because we don't have the fancy-pants education. It's like they're all walking around thinking the same thoughts, "I'm the medical professional, you're not. I am the expert here, not you. Oh, and by the way... It doesn't matter that you have been a parent for 19 years, ma'am. You know nothing about your child. In fact, you know nothing about yourself. You're just a big ole dufus, so shut up and let me handle it" (Do doctors use phrases like "big ole?" Probably not).

Another big thing I hate SO MUCH about these "people" is that they are often anti-faith and/or anti-Christian. Why, they are much too intellectual for such folly. I've dealt with several doctors who are soooo openly hostile and disrespectful toward the idea of faith. They seem to forget I am paying them to provide a service for me, not to insult me. Not to attack my faith and belittle my intellect. You.Work.For.Me, you Gigantic Gluteal Cleft.

Oh, yeah... This post was going to be about taking Evan to the Dr. on Saturday (Yes, Saturday. When his regular doctor wasn't in the office and we had to make a trip all the way over to an Urgent Care clinic). I veered off-track a little bit there. Haha. Got a teensy bit upset. Whoopsie. Sorry about that.

Evan broke out with poison ivy Friday night and woke up Saturday morning with one eye swollen shut. He looked like he'd been in a bar fight and felt even worse than that. He reacts pretty badly to poison ivy and it never clears up without a steroid shot and a week of pills. So I knew it wasn't going to wait until Monday.

The nurse at the clinic was such a snooty little you know what. She'd ask me questions, not let me answer, then interrupt me to ask the same flipping question again. She snipped at Evan for moving the hand that had the finger clamp, blood oxygen thingy on it. "You're supposed to KEEP THAT HAND STILL!" Gee whiz, lady. May I suggest either some decent sex or an enema?

I started to think I was on some twisted version of Jeopardy, so I blurted out, "What is a Horse's A**?

Then the doctor came in, after making us wait in that little room for 45 minutes. Mr. Important arrived on the scene as we peasants fell to the ground and worshipped, which of course cut into the whopping four minutes he was willing to give us. He was even more of an a**hat than his nurse, if possible. Several hours and $161 later, we got the shot and Rx we came for and left. So, yeah. Doctors...