Monday, November 17, 2008


I can't stand these people. Technically, I don't think they can really be called "people," but still. I seriously doubt any doctors read my blog because their time is just too precious, and they are waaaaaay too smart to bother with an idiot like me (This would be sarcasm, here. I do that)- but just in case, I should say that I know not all of them are horrible. My kids' doctor is wonderful. We've been seeing her since I was pregnant with Evan (1994). She knows us. She talks to us and with us, not at us. She's just a person who happens to be a physician, know what I mean? And she's a darn good one. She cares. She realizes my input as the mother and the one who sees the kid 24/7 should not be discounted. I'd be sick at the thought of losing her. My husband's doctor (and mine, too- on occasion) is a really normal, down-to-earth, funny guy. Again, he talks to us. He listens. He asks questions and hears the answers. He signs 11 copies of the same piece of adoption paperwork without an attitude.

So yeah, there are some decent ones out there, and if one of those decent ones is reading today, just ignore my rant because it obviously doesn't apply to you. If, however, you are swirling in the cesspool of humanity that makes up the majority of the medical establishment (according to my own poll), and my comments do apply to you, then by all means, please do take them personally. It's probably about time someone told you the cold, hard truth anyway. I realize your time is precious and you won't listen to me anyway, so I'll sum it up quickly (that's what you like, right? Short, quick, to the point...): You suck. How's that? Quick and direct?

Was that a little harsh? It felt kinda harsh. I have an extreme dislike of you and your kind, is what I would be indicating here. Did you pick up on that?

The type of doctor who makes my blood boil has that whole nauseating superiority thing going on. You know the type, right? Educated Idiots. The self-righteous, self-involved, self-important, self-satisfied, egotistical, sanctimonious, smug, asinine type. Did I make that clear enough? I could add a few more adjectives if needed, believe me. The arrogance. The conceit. Oy. A whopping 94.87% of these morons (again, my own poll) can't even seem to comb their frickin' hair, so why are they so deluded into thinking they're better than everyone else on the planet?

A little bonus story: When I was having my c-section with Tucker in 1998, they let a med student do my epidural. They did not tell me he was a med student at first, but it wasn't hard to figure out when he poked me repeatedly in the back with the needle and a sharp, unholy, burning pain hit my lower back and went down my hip (which was nowhere close to the needle). He must have done this ten times. I'm kind of funny about showing pain or admitting to any kind of injury or illness when I'm around people, so it's pretty unusual for me to YELL, "OH MY GAAAWWWD!" over and over, as I sink my nails into the poor nurse standing in front of me. The med student kept saying, "I'm sorry! Oh... I'm so sorry." Yeah, he really exuded confidence, which was comforting.

Anyhoooooo... The epidural, once it was finally done, did not numb me up far enough. So when the actual c-section finally started, I could feel everything above the belly button. Since this was my third c-section, I knew what to expect and how they felt, and this was not how they were supposed to feel. I asked the lady standing by my head (Nurse, I guess? Who knows.) if I should be experiencing this much pain, and I told her it was getting to the point of being unbearable. Get this: She said... "You mean pressure? You're not feeling pain. You're feeling pressure. Pressure is normal." I set her straight in that very kind, calm, Christian way I have and explained that, yes, in fact I was feeling pain and golly, it would sure be great if someone could do something about it before I pass out and/or choke on my own vomit.

See? This is what I'm talking about, people. This whole haughty idea that we are just dumb sheep who could not possibly know what we're talking about, because we don't have the fancy-pants education. It's like they're all walking around thinking the same thoughts, "I'm the medical professional, you're not. I am the expert here, not you. Oh, and by the way... It doesn't matter that you have been a parent for 19 years, ma'am. You know nothing about your child. In fact, you know nothing about yourself. You're just a big ole dufus, so shut up and let me handle it" (Do doctors use phrases like "big ole?" Probably not).

Another big thing I hate SO MUCH about these "people" is that they are often anti-faith and/or anti-Christian. Why, they are much too intellectual for such folly. I've dealt with several doctors who are soooo openly hostile and disrespectful toward the idea of faith. They seem to forget I am paying them to provide a service for me, not to insult me. Not to attack my faith and belittle my intellect. You.Work.For.Me, you Gigantic Gluteal Cleft.

Oh, yeah... This post was going to be about taking Evan to the Dr. on Saturday (Yes, Saturday. When his regular doctor wasn't in the office and we had to make a trip all the way over to an Urgent Care clinic). I veered off-track a little bit there. Haha. Got a teensy bit upset. Whoopsie. Sorry about that.

Evan broke out with poison ivy Friday night and woke up Saturday morning with one eye swollen shut. He looked like he'd been in a bar fight and felt even worse than that. He reacts pretty badly to poison ivy and it never clears up without a steroid shot and a week of pills. So I knew it wasn't going to wait until Monday.

The nurse at the clinic was such a snooty little you know what. She'd ask me questions, not let me answer, then interrupt me to ask the same flipping question again. She snipped at Evan for moving the hand that had the finger clamp, blood oxygen thingy on it. "You're supposed to KEEP THAT HAND STILL!" Gee whiz, lady. May I suggest either some decent sex or an enema?

I started to think I was on some twisted version of Jeopardy, so I blurted out, "What is a Horse's A**?

Then the doctor came in, after making us wait in that little room for 45 minutes. Mr. Important arrived on the scene as we peasants fell to the ground and worshipped, which of course cut into the whopping four minutes he was willing to give us. He was even more of an a**hat than his nurse, if possible. Several hours and $161 later, we got the shot and Rx we came for and left. So, yeah. Doctors...


Elaine said...

Bwa ha ha ha ha! I could have written this post a thousand times over my lifetime, but I never could have written it as well as you did! And I do know there are good, kind, caring doctors out there, because we have several friends who are good, kind, caring doctors. So why is it they are so difficult to find when you need one?

Katie said...

"Gigantic gluteal cleft" ha ha ha ha!

I can totally relate. I just about have to be at death's door to consider going to my regular doctor (hard to get excited about someone who argues about giving you the dose of medication that you need and misses the fact that you have a broken neck...).

Oh, and I once had a fertility specialist tell me that he could give me the baby that "my god" couldn't. Yeah. Nice.

Sorry you had such a sucky experience.

sassy chic said...

Urgent care acted the same way with Holly when I had to take her in for a sore throat. OUr pediatrician (whom Holly is to old to go to anymore) was appalled at how they treated her without finding out what was actually wrong, as Kevin had strep. Oh well life goes on and we are thankful for the good ones out there! your comment of "Gee whiz, lady. May I suggest either some decent sex or an enema?" made me LOL! Love your sense of humar!!!

Tami said...

HAHAHAHAHAH!!!! You are SO right! I'm sure there are some nice doctors out there...but why can't I FIND one?! Hmmmm??

Laura L. said...

Wow, it sounds like you've been through some rough experiences. The epidural and the C-section. That's the stuff of nightmares.

Most of the doctors we've seen (in my most recent memory)were pretty decent, but I think we've all seen those who just seem to know IT ALL.

I just had this conversation with a parents group recently. I told them exactly the same thing you said. They.Work.For.YOU.

We don't ever have to put up with the snotty ones. Just move on to a doctor and staff who respect patients.

S. said...

I know what a difference a good dr. makes--like the ob who delivered L. who would leave little gifts in his isolette in the NICU and gave me his cell #, like the kids ped who let me bring him over late at night b/c I was afraid he had something really really bad, like my uncles and friends who are drs., and like L's surgeon (my like for him has nothing to do with his hotness) and tons more stories...but I also have experienced the bad ones. Yuck. Your epidural story is so awful. I am so sorry you experienced that!

I think the best way to find good drs. is to find out who the nurses use.

Anonymous said...

You are so funny, I have laughed all day at this recent post...keep it coming girl. I personally think you should write a book.


Lina said...

Yes, I agree. I just got done writing a hate - I mean complaint letter to my daughter's Dr. yesterday. I guess the people who answer the phones in clinics also think they can treat us lowly parents like crap. So, to Connie at CRCC, you suck and I hate you.

Another diddy: when I was delivering my first child the nurse put my IV in on top of my wrist on the top side. I asked if she could move it since I couldn't take the pain and inability to move my wrist and she told me that if she moved it, she would put it in my NECK. No lie. I left it there for the first 5 hours of my 18 hour labor and then a new nurse moved it. I couldn't wear a watch for 2 weeks and it was bruised and sore because of her. Mean people suck.


Nicki said...

Oh yeah, I could have written this too (except the religion portion, obviously, which begs to ask why it comes up in those 4 minutes you get with the doc in the first place?!).

I have been soooo lucky to find really awesome docs who have fundamentally different views of their profession than most and I have friends who share those views and are awesome people. I know they exist. I resent having to look so hard for them (still have not found a GP here in Texas and it's been 18 months) but I do know they exist. The urgent care docs are, by far, the worst of the worst when it comes to bedside manner and assholeishness. For sure. Although, hrm, I guess we did have a pretty decent time this summer when we went to urgent care for a possible snake bite and poor Teegan was hysterical that he might need a shot. They were really sweet to him. But yeah, I could write a book of horrible doctor experiences starting with when Dalton was just a week old and I called our doc who told me that Asian babies can't get jaundice and not to worry about his eyes being yellow. Turned out? He had meningitis. Ever since then I've had an extreme suspicious of the medical establishment in general. Hence, my homebirth.

Michelle said...


Haha- the Christian thing doesn't come up in my 4 minutes with the Dr., you smarty-pants. You're so funny.

It has come up, though, during a few scary serious (life or death) experiences our family has gone through. The idea of prayer/faith/healing seems very uncomfortable to some doctors/medical people. Not all, but some.

That's really scary about Dalton... The homebirth thing is cool, though. Wish I would have done that with my first one, and probably could have avoided the following 4 c-sections.

Heidi said...

It's even worse being married to one (which I used to be). And he was one you would have considered the "nice" good-bedside-manner ones.

If you think about it, it's a very strange kind of person who is drawn to the medical profession. Most have issues up the ying-yang. Then the medical education process deprives them of sleep and screws them up even more.

I have doctors I think are good service providers to me, but I wouldn't hang out with any of them in real life.