Saturday, September 27, 2008

D Day

Diet Day. I'm starting Monday. Why Monday? Why not start making positive life changes today? Well... I'm not quite finished with the stupid diet book that explains what I can and cannot eat, but I will be by Monday. When I finish it, I'll have to make a trip to the store to buy all the yucky, barely edible stuff I'm allowed to eat- odd, foreign-sounding things like "Lite Cheese," and "Leafy Greens." Do they sell such things at a regular grocery store, or do I have to go to some specialty place? I do not believe I've seen "Leafy Greens" on the ice cream isle. I may have to venture beyond- possibly step into unknown territories, like that "Produce" area, although I'm not sure what that is. It's a place I've only heard about, and frankly- I'm a little scare of it.

Also, Evan and I had already planned an afternoon out together on Sunday, after church. We're going out to lunch- just the two of us- at our favorite place and then seeing a movie. I cannot possibly be expected to sit at my favorite restaurant, grazing on a piece of lettuce, while watching my son eat my favorite things, without crawling across the table and grabbing fistfuls off his plate... Can I? Of course not.

Besides... All diets start on a Monday. It's a rule. Go look it up if you don't believe me.

I can hardly wait to start (lie). I'm really looking forward to eating healthier (bigger lie) and feeling better (that one's true). This diet seems to have a buttload of fish in it. I do not eat fish. No seafood of any kind, unless it's crab rangoon... Does that count? I don't think I should eat something that drinks the same water it just peed in, or had sex in. Of course, I eat cows and I'm sure they pee in the same pond they swim in. Then again, so do little kids, but that's neither here nor there. This topic has really taken a turn.

Anyhoooo... I'm going to be replacing all that fish with chicken, so guess what I'll be eating pretty much every day of my life from now until I die, or can't stand it anymore?

The first two weeks are going to be the strictest/hardest. I will not be a happy girlie. I'm going to whine and feel sorry for myself for the entire 14 days. Maybe even 18 days. Or 25. My dear family will grow to hate me, as will many of you, I'm sure.

I also bought the book Elaine recently suggested, "Potatoes Not Prozac" (Thank you, Elaine). Got it used for one penny (plus S&H) on Amazon. I'm really eager to start that when it comes. I definitely think I have a slight sugar/carb addiction. Doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure that one out. And I've been checking out a website my SIL suggested all about women's health issues (Thank you, Jackie). I'm also considering checking out WW (as several of you suggested. Thank you, all!) if the S. Beach thing doesn't work out so well. So this fat little leaf is preparing to turn over. But she won't be happy about it. No, not at all.

I would like to call upon my praying readers to start lifting me up, please. I'm going to need all the prayers I can get. So will my family. They will probably want to kill me by Day 3.

Farewell, dear friends. At least for now. Parting is such... a huge, depressing pain in my gargantuous butt. I'll be back for you someday. You won't recognize me at first- I'll be the (almost) hot, (kinda) skinny chick, sobbing with joy and lovin' you like a five dollar... oh, nevermind. I promise you, my beloved, I will return.


Elaine said...

Ha ha ha! That last paragraph cracked me up! There is an entire website for the author of Potatoes Not Prozac ( ) and she has classes online you can take. Also more books. One of my friends said one of the other books is her favorite, but I forget the title. Something about The Last Diet or something. I don't know. Anyway, a few of us (irl friends from back home)are talking about doing the online courses and being an internet support group for each other. Let me know if you'd be interested.

SueCQ said...

Hi Michelle;
I read your blog faithfully and you never fail to inspire or humor me! I know exactly how you feel about dieting! I battle with eating the "wrong" stuff all the time. I wanted to mention that I, too, hate seafood, but have been recently turned on to tilapia. My family's favorite recipe can be found at There are other recipes out there, too, if you want to get adventurous! Good luck!

Lina said...

Oh Michelle - you and I are birds of a feather! I just joined...the biggest loser club! I don't want to start until Monday either, but I joined it anyway. They can read minds though - one of the little blurbs said "It doesn't have to be a Monday to start...eating healthy starts now..blah blah blah. LOL.

Anonymous said...

Ok I am in with you. You CAN do this! You can! And I can too. Starting tomorrow.