Tuesday, September 23, 2008


You know that saying- "Find your bliss?" ...Well, I did. I found mine. And, as I should have known all along, my bliss was hiding in a small carton that bears the names of my two BFFs and trusted psychiatrists, Dr. Ben and Dr. Jerry. My bliss is Pumpkin Cheesecake ice cream. Who knew? Thank you, Doctors. I may be living on three minutes of sleep a night, but you've made my waking hours joyful again (Speaking of my lack of sleep... Thank you to all who commented and emailed with ideas for me! Much appreciated! I'm definitely going to try your suggestions and I'll let you know how it goes).

I've always been of the opinion that if a dessert or snack isn't made of chocolate, there's no sense in wasting the calories. I do loves me some pumpkin pie around the holidays, but I don't sit around and crave pumpkin like I do chocolate, so I was a little surprised at how much I LOVED this stuff. It is so, so, so good. I don't even know what made me grab it at the store the other day, but- Oh. My. Goodness. I'm glad I did.

I'm sorry, M&Ms, you'll have to try harder if you want to keep your hooks in me. Mac-n-cheese, you now have a rival for top comfort food. And, Chocolate Mint Milano cookies? ...Nevermind, we're still okay. You won't be leaving me anytime soon. I'm sorry I scared you, sweetie.

Hey... What was that noise? Oh. I think it was the sound of those two Honeybaked Hams that are my arse trying to bust out of the seams of my jeans. As you may have guessed from the better-than-sex ice cream description, that whole diet plan of mine kinda tanked.

Once my son's wedding was over, and I was so disappointed in myself for not losing the 35 pounds I had hoped to lose (because I kept cheating and procrastinating until I only had like 3 weeks to get serious about losing it, then was disgusted with myself for not being able to do it in that amount of time), I slowly reverted back to my old habits (and by slowly I mean it took one or two days).

I really need to do something. The weight I did manage to lose is creeping back on fast. I am so sick of myself. I'm sick of the "I'll go ahead and eat this, then I'll start my diet tomorrow" game I've been playing with myself since I got pregnant with my first kid. That was 19 years ago. Nineteen flippin' years of looking in the mirror and feeling humiliated and disappointed by what I see. Nineteen years of trying to avoid having my picture taken because that fat chick staring back at me makes me feel so ashamed. Nineteen years of holding onto clothes two sizes too small because I'm gonna lose this weight "soon." And I'm tired of using food as the answer for everything... If I'm stressed, I snack. If I'm upset, I comfort myself by stuffing my face. If I'm happy or celebrating, let's get the ice cream out! If Darrell and I get a rare chance to go out on a date, it's dinner and a movie with popcorn- extra butter, please. I'm sick to death of it. But on the other hand...

I hate being "On a Diet." I hate eating different meals than the rest of my family- cooking one thing (a yummy thing) for them and something different for myself. I hate plain, boring, grilled chicken all the frickin' time. I don't like fish, most veggies, or other diet-friendly foods, so I'm stuck with a pretty repetitive food plan when I try to eat right. It gets old fast. I can't stick to that forever. It's time to accept the fact that I am never going to give up chocolate... or bread, or pasta, or Chinese food... completely and forever. Just ain't gonna happen. I have to find a reasonable balance between what I want to eat and what I know I should eat. It's too bad those things seem to be mutually exclusive. But, as I said, I have to do something. Even my doctor said so... and that's bad. So I'm taking her suggestion and I'm going to give the South Beach Diet a try. Yay. I believe that means no pasta, or bread, no (sob) chocolate, or anything enjoyable for the rest of my life- isn't that correct? Did I not just say that ain't gonna happen? I bought the book today and, oh boy, I can't wait to get started. Hear all that excitement in my voice?

Trying to get the rest of the fam on board for a healthier lifestyle, though, will be like trying to stop wild horses. Darrell is a big Pepsi and chips kind of guy, and the Meat and Potato King. He isn't going to change that anytime soon. And as long as I'm buying and cooking that crap for him, it's hard to keep the kids out of it.

You know somethin'? Sometimes when I try to peer beneath all this fat, I almost think I could be halfway good-lookin' if only I wasn't buried under all this lard. I wasn't too darn bad when I was younger. Not exactly a hottie, but not bad. If only I would have known it and appreciated it at the time. Maybe I can lose enough on this new diet to be not-quite-a-hottie-but-almost, again. Ya think? My eyes aren't hideous. At least I have two of them and they both look the same direction at the same time... for the most part. My smile is so-so. It would probably be better if it wasn't surrounded on every side by such a ginormous expanse of face, but it's not horrible. I have all my own teeth, which is really saying something, considering my geographical location. My hair is passably decent on the rare days I make an effort. Can a house frau in her forties be almost hot? Is there such a thing as a "Luke Warmie?" Wish me luck. I'm sure I'll keep you all posted on how the new diet goes, since I know you have nothing better to do than wonder about the size of my backside.


Anonymous said...

I am a big fan of weight watchers. I started in Jan and have lost 40lbs. I did not give up anythings. I just learned moderations. When you are staring at the computer and are accountable for the points. It really puts it in your face. I also had no concept of portion size (I thought I did but clearly did not) before WW. Online they will let you do it for a week for free. You may want to check it out. Good luck.


rainbowmom said...

Hey there. It's 2:00 am my time, so I thought I'd check in on the other insomniac. Husband gets up in two hours, which will wake me up if I go to sleep. Two hours is hardly worth it, so why bother.

I totally feel you sister on the weight thing. I loath diets. But, you know I'm on one with my husband now. He's loosing and I'm finding. Your Honeybaked Hams cracked me up. My friend and I joke that when we walk, our rear-ends in pants look like piglets fighting in a sack. I finally decided that I have the body of a goddess and I'm keeping it very well cushioned and protected from harm with this layer of blubber. Kind of like bubble wrap, only you can't have fun popping it. ewwww

Actually, I'm really enjoying the food with the diet I'm on now. My issue is portion control. Who eats a tablespoon of something? Come on!

Oh, and if you ever decide to throw mint chocolate milanos to the curb, I'll be the one on the sidewalk with the catcher's mit on.

Christina said...

Mmm... Pumpkin Cheesecake... I make chocolate pumpkin cheesecake at Thanksgiving (because like you I think anything is better with chocolate!) - it is SOOO good! And wasn't that helpful diet advice? Yeah, because I actually stink at diets. If God didn't want us to eat carbs, why did he make them so yummy?
I do try to buy the "whole wheat" versions of things and the "no trans fat" stuff, in the hopes that I can eat as usual and just magically be healthier. My best trick is milk - I drink a big glass every time I snack on m-n-m's and it fills me up so I can't eat so much of the good stuff. But I'm guessing weight watchers is probably more effective.

Elaine said...

I don't know much about the South Beach diet, but here is what I do know: After my second daughter was born (almost a year after) and I was carting around 30 extra pounds (15 from 1st kid, 15 from 2nd) I decided to get serious about being healthier. I think the single most important thing I did was cut out ALL white flour. ALL of it. And switch to 100% whole grains. I lost 5 pounds the first week, without making any other changes. After making other changes I lost all the weight. Of course, I've gained about 10 back over the years, but I haven't been doing everything I should be. Another suggestion: read the book Potatoes Not Prozac. It's all about sugar addiction. I'm not saying your an addict, just know that I am. Lastly, if you want a good recipe for pumpkin chocolate chip cookies, let me know!

S. said...

umm I hate you for telling me about that ice cream.

and have you ever heard of the lord's table diet? just google it. I think it is something that might be helpful for you. (And if I would ever get past like day 7 of it I bet it would be helpful for me too!)

Also...you can totally be hot.

Practically, what has worked for in the past:

very limited carbs--and only whole wheat pasta, bread etc. eating the same thing for breakfast and lunch every day. Eating regular family dinner, except portion control. And for dessert, 10 m&ms. That I eat very very very slowly. So if I actually did those things maybe my a$$ would fit in my jeans.

Thinking of you.