Sunday, April 13, 2008

Spanx are a tool of the devil

Well, yesterday was the big shopping day with the girls. We started at Build-a-Bear and added 2 new members to our family: A pink poodle named Petunia, and Millie the monkey. Both animals got to be decked out in new Hannah Montana outfits, so I'm everybody's favorite mom for the time being. It really was a lot of fun!

Next event: Dress shopping! No, I'm sorry. I'm jumping ahead of myself. Actually, the next event was a bathroom trip, followed by a long, hot trek from one end of the mall to the other (literally) to get to the first dress store.

When we got to the first dress store, Bri announced that she left her jacket behind in the restroom. So we walked all the way back to where we started at the other end, looked for the jacket, didn't find it, found a cleaning person who told us it was at Lost and Found, went to Lost and Found, stood in line waiting, started to sweat profusely, then retrieved the jacket. Oh, how I wish she would have been wearing a cheap, cruddy Wal-mart windbreaker. I would have just said who cares and left it.But it was this jacket I had made for her from Little Lanterns, which we love, so we had to go back. I stuffed it down into Bri's Build-a-Bear box. I'm glad we found it, but have I mentioned yet that I've been wearing Spanx under my jeans this whole entire time and by now I am sweating like a... well, never mind what I was sweating like. Spanx are freakin' hot. The mall thermostat is permanently set on "Hot as Hades." It wasn't a good situation. The hairdo was ruined about 15 minutes into the trip. The sweat started visibly dripping down my face about 15 minutes after that. I could smell myself. I'm not proud of it, just being honest. If you have to ask, "What are Spanx?" I want you to go away. I'm sorry. No offense. You may return for the next post.

Why was I wearing Spanx to the mall under my jeans? If you honestly have to ask me that question, you are either: A man, you have never been fat and dangly, OR, you have never had to try on a fancy-schmancy dress while also being fat and dangly. In any case, if you don't understand the Spanx, I can't even deal with you right now. All I can say is, a dress with Spanx fits very differently than a dress without Spanx. I can't make an objective decision about a dress while looking at the bulgy, rolly, dangly bits. I have to see the complete picture, which means SPANX. It was a mistake to wear them there, but I thought it would be harder to get them on in a tiny dressing room. There is an elaborate procedure involved in putting on a pair of Spanx that includes a lot of tugging, heavy breathing, mild to moderate profanity, and a few Chuck Norris style kicks. I prefer to do all that in the privacy of my own home.

After we made it aawwwllllllll the way back down to the first dress store and got into the dressing room with a few dresses, I was ready to be done with the Spanx. Actually, I was ready to be done with the whole trip. I wanted to give up and head home. But I hung in there. I'm a trooper.

I'm not an idiot, however. The Spanx had to go if I was to make it through the day without heat stroke or needing IV fluids. After trying on one dress, I peeled them off. Now, where to put them? Hmmm. My purse was tiny. Bri's box was stuffed full with her jacket. That left Olivia's box.
I said, "Here, Livie- open your box and let me stick these in there."
Liv said, "Oh yuck," or something like that.
I said, "No, look! I'm folding them up, and I'll put them right under your monkey, so it will be like she has a cushion to sit on. It's not gross. See?"
"Yes, it is gross. Come on, Mom. Please!" She said.
I pleaded, "Livie, I have no choice. Where else am I supposed to put this? Help me out here. This is an emergency and it can't be helped."
I put the Spanx under her poor Monkey. I had flashbacks to the last time Livie and I were in a dressing room together. Remember that? I hoped she was going to be more sympathetic to my plight this time. She was not.

We ended up going to 4 stores, looking for dresses, and found the keeper at the fourth. It's a champagne color. I figured that would be the safest and easiest choice. I look like a huge horse in it, but a well-dressed one. Once I had the dress, I figured I might as well shop for shoes and jewelry, so it was another trip to the other end of the mall... again. It was easier this time without the Spanx, but I was still about ready to flop. I found the perfect shoes, necklace, and earrings though, so overall- a major success.

Now, get THIS! We encountered our first openly hostile racial slur as we were leaving the mall. When we walked outside, the cold air felt so good after being in that furnace, that Bri did a little twirl and shouted, "Oh Boy! It sure feels great out here!!" There was a young man with his girlfriend walking behind us. As soon as he heard Bri, he loudly said, "Ching Chong Ha She Sho (etc., etc.- a bunch of other nonsense crap)." I turned around to look at him just in time to see him with his eyes all squinty and his top lip pulled up to show his teeth; apparently his best Asian impression. I was not impressed. His girlfriend appeared to be embarrassed and/or confused. He was oblivious to me staring at him and, thankfully, Bri was oblivious to the fact she was being made fun of. She seemingly didn't even hear it. She went right on talking, as if everything was normal. Livie could tell there was something wrong with me, but she didn't know what it was, so she didn't understand it, either. Thank God! I, on the other hand, was mad, sad, appalled, insulted, and beyond shocked. I thought of a million different things to say in the span of two seconds, but ended up deciding against saying anything at all. He was clearly an idiot; not the type that can be educated or would even care. And since Bri didn't even know she was being mocked, I decided to let her remain blissfully ignorant. I want to teach her how to handle those kinds of things in a healthy way, and the way I was wanting to handle it at that moment would not have sent the message to Bri that I want to send. Anyway, I could not believe it. What a horse's butt. I can't comprehend how anyone could look at that adorable little girl and want to be cruel or make fun of her. I'm so thankful she didn't hear or understand what was going on.


Rebecca said...

Shame on him!!! Catie and I have come across the worse of people during her many travels as a gymanst. I do the same thing--ignore them because I can not change them. I am so glad that you found your dress!!! I know that you will look beautiful in it!!

Laurie said...

Again, I am roaring with laughter. I have never heard of Spanx (I think it was your reason #2- fat and just don't try on dresses!) Your posts are so dang honest and funnnnnnny!! Well, until the end. Then I wanted to cry. So far I've only encountered puzzled or mean looking stares (few and far between, thankfully). I'm not sure what I would have done in your shoes, but I'm sure your decision to do nothing was a good one. You must post a picture of you in the dress at some point! :)

Anonymous said...

Oh, how do I love thee, let me count the ways. I am again laughing out loud while my husband looks at me like I'm crazy. I do so enjoy your blog. I needed this today, racial slur aside. What a moron..

sassy chic said...

My dear friend make sure that when you do post that pic you are wearing the spanx...maybe even show us a pic with it and without it so we will understand! By the way I think you did the right thing, but if we would have been together I bet we could have taken that idiot less idiot wouldn't be so bad now would it?!