Saturday, June 28, 2008

You Wanna Hear Something Crazy?

I feel stupid even telling you this, but lately I've been having very positive, hopeful feelings about getting our referral from Vietnam. Is that not the nuttiest thing you've ever heard? Well, probably not. If your family is anything like mine, or the one I've married into, you've heard things waaaay nuttier than that. Amen?

Anyway, for a while there, I was really down in the dumps about all this (along with all the other VN PAPs) and thinking all looked hopeless. I didn't talk much about it, and that gave the impression to a few that this really isn't that big of a deal, but I wasn't talking because it's such a big deal, know what I mean?

Just to be clear for the few in my world that may not know- there are not a lot of rational reasons to hope right now. The situation remains pretty bleak. A few things have happened that could have a positive impact on the final outcome, and there are a few rumors floating around that sound hopeful if they would actually turn out to be true, but as of right now no big changes are on the horizon to make one think the Sept. 1 shutdown will be averted. In spite of all that, the more we've tried to direct our attentions to another program, the more I've had these very calm, gentle, quiet thoughts drifting through my mind, saying, "Just hold on. Your baby is in Vietnam. Just wait." Isn't that lovely? Absolutely insane, but lovely, yes?

So that leaves me with this new found, inexplicable hope and I don't know what to do with it... It's very out of character for this pessimistic old girl, for one thing. Am I to think this is the voice of God, speaking wonderfully soothing words of hope to my desperate heart? OR, have I finally gone over the edge, become completely engulfed in denial, and should start expecting to see fairies or talking bunnies sometime soon? Oh, how I hope it's the first thing. I do believe God is more than able to bring about a miracle in Vietnam, and for that I don't feel crazy- although you may disagree.

"For nothing is impossible with God." Luke 1:37

I believe that. I really, really do. God has proved Himself, and the truth of that verse to me over and over again. And I know Him well enough to know that situations like this are His strong suit. These impossible-looking kinds of things are where He really gets a chance to shine and show His stuff.

BUT, hope does appear to be crazy in common sense terms, for our particular situation. Not to sound like a broken record, but some people may not recall- Our agency has not ever had a single referral from VN. It's not that referrals slowed down or stopped as they did with so many other agencies. It's that there were never any referrals to begin with. Their VN program was a pioneer or pilot program that never really got off the ground. The first batch of dossiers went over to VN over a year ago, and those folks are still waiting too, so the likelihood that our dossier would get a match by Sept. 1st is... well, it's just not good. It doesn't make sense to feel positive about it. Yet, I hope.

The quiet little voice never thinks to tell me when, exactly, all this is going to take place, or how. Is there going to be a new MOU before the deadline? Is our referral going to somehow miraculously come before Sept. 1? **Will Vietnam shutdown then reopen, and then we get our referral? DETAILS, please! It would be nice if my positive inner voice could be just a tad more specific. But, whatever... I'll take any hope I can find. Even if it means I'm crazy.

Of course there's a third possibility... I am hard of hearing, after all. I wonder if my inner voice is aware of that. Maybe it does know what it's talking about, but I'm just not hearing it correctly??? For all I know, it could be saying, "Don't forget to call your mom," but I'm hearing "Don't give up on Vietnam."

So what do you think? Have I lost my mind? If so, I kinda like it. Please don't burst my bubble (mean old September will come along soon enough to burst it for me). Just let me stay here for a while and enjoy it. And there's room here for a few others, if anyone would like to join me...

**(Our dossier will be returned on Sept. 1st if we don't get a match, so if there is an eventual reopening of the program after a shutdown, it would mean starting again from Square One.)


LaLa said...

I am right there in that bubble with you : )

sassy chic said...

All things are possible with God! NO matter what things look like if God says it is to be than my dear friend it is going to be!

Lina said...

I'm right there with you...hoping. Keep up the faith.

Miles' Mama said...

You aren't crazy for having faith, you are fully sane. I saw this quote and thought of you: "Faith is for that which lies on the other side of reason. Faith is what makes life bearable, with all its tragedies and amiguities and sudden, startling joys" -Madeline L'Engle

Michelle said...

Thank you for that, Anne. I love that! Hadn't heard that before.