I haven't had much to say lately. I've been at the bottom of a deep, dark hole and can't quite seem to lift myself out of it. It's difficult to type from down here, so I've been fairly quiet. And please don't feel it's necessary to tell me you barely noticed I was gone- it will only lengthen the duration of my little pity party, which I'd rather not do since I don't like the guest list, the good food is gone, and most of the balloons have been popped. Still a few streamers up though, and I won all 5 rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey- so, you know... can't complain.
I don't know what my problem is... Well, I do- but it's nothing specific and it's certainly nothing interesting. Just typical mom stuff- I'm Overwhelmed. I haven't felt good for a while, the kids keep getting sick, too; the house is a wreck. The adoption is in the perpetual state of "Who Knows?" which is driving me nuts. This whole year of homeschooling has been a mess. Never have found the right groove for each kid. Someone is always waiting on me and I just want to hide under the covers.
I crave organization and structure like crack. That's my security blanket. When all is clean and in order, life is good. Everything's going to be fine. When my house is a mess, I'm a mess. Life is a mess. I want so badly to be running a home that is orderly and... I don't know. Perfect. I want my home, my life, and my Self to be perfect. I want to be June Cleaver so bad I can almost feel the pearls resting on my neck (And, Anne- if you tell me you're too young to know who June Cleaver is, I'm gonna have a fit). I am desperate to be the mom who is up at the crack of dark, fixing a healthy, hot breakfast for my family; keeping track of everyone's schedules with ease; praying over each precious baby before we all part ways for the day. I want to put in my 8 full hours of school time, lovingly, patiently, and carefully nurturing and teaching each child, and staying on top of scheduling and lesson planning, while miraculously keeping up with the laundry and managing to clean toilets, dust, sweep, mop, blah, blah, blah; I want to be able to NOT feel a tightening, painful terror grip my chest when someone comes to the door or announces they're going to "stop by" and I know my home is not fit for company, followed by the overwhelming shame as I sit and explain how my house doesn't always look this way (when in fact, yes, it does), and God forbid one of the poor kids asks to have a friend over... I want to have time to keep the bills paid and go to the store before the kids start whining that we have no food; I want to have daily time to spend with each kid doing something fun, or just talking and listening to them, so they will remember me someday for something other than the crazy lady who yelled all the time; I want to keep the dog's flippin' toenails trimmed, for Pete's sake. I want all this so much I could cry. Oh, wait... I already am crying. Most of all, I want to wake up in the morning feeling AWAKE; energetic and ready to tackle the day, instead of feeling so freakin' exhausted all the freakin' time. The tiredness makes me feel defeated before I even begin. And that's the thing. I know from the second I open my eyes in the morning that I will not accomplish even one tenth of what I'm supposed to be doing that day for my family. I begin hearing words like failure roll around in my head before I even put my feet on the floor. No matter how fast I work or hard I try, I will not get done. I know I'm rambling and I need to shut up. Because if I keep at this much longer, it will naturally beg the question, "Should you even be adopting another child, then- if you can't handle your current work load?" I have family members who already feel that way, I'm sure, so my venting is only going to confirm what they believed all along. Oh, well. Big shocker- I'm not June F. Cleaver (the F, of course, is for... anyone? Yes. "Freakin'"), and I never will be. Still love my kids and doing the best I can, but there are days when this job kicks my big fat butt.
Anyhoo... How are things with you? lol... Sorry to gripe. It's just a cruddy mood. Mom overload. This too shall pass. I will deal with it like a big girl and quit my bellyachin.' Tomorrow we are taking the kids on a field trip/family day, complete with a picnic and everything. We're going to tour a cave. So that will be a fun and much needed opportunity to get out of the house and spend time together as a family, with the added bonus for the kids of watching Claustrophobic Mommy deal with being in a cave. Oh, AND... it has bats. A guaranteed good time for all.
In the midst of this funk, I received a huge ray of sunshine in the form of this lovely little handwritten note from Miss Olivia:
I love you with all my heart
You are my very very best friend forever
Your adoring Olivia
I (drawing of an eye) *heart* U!
Wow... I always wanted a BFF! I tried to scan the note so you could see how cute it really is but it didn't show up well, so you'll just have to trust me. So precious! It's the sweetest love letter I've ever gotten. If this can't lift me out of my mood, nothing can!
I love you with all my heart, too.
You are such a precious blessing to me!
You are a beautiful person, inside and out.
I'm so happy and thankful you are my
daughter and my very, very best friend.
Forever and always, no matter what.
Your adoring Mom and BFF