Random Ramblings of a Fat Girl

Ohhhhh, cripes... I've gained ten pounds. After losing 40 lbs. in this past year, I've recently gained back 10. It started with the Florida vacation, I think. I left my diet at home, and when I returned my diet apparently went on vacation. So, 10 lbs. later, I have to start again. I've gotten very sick of diet-y food and eating "right" and really don't understand why a steady stream of chocolate and coffee can't make me look like Gisele Bundchen. I've been back on the Diet Wagon for two days now (2 excruciatingly long days) and, in keeping with my usual self-defeating perfectionist's M.O. of setting standards for myself that are ridiculously too high and impossible to achieve, I had expected to lose the 10 lbs. plus a few more by the time I stepped on my scale this morning, the 3rd day of the diet. I haven't. I remember the days of high school when I would decide on Wed. that I wanted to drop 10 lbs. by Friday night to fit into my favorite size ZERO jeans for a party, and I did! Easily. A couple oranges, a few cans of Tab, throw in a Snickers Bar... You got yourself a successful diet. I don't see why middle-age and child-birth had to screw up a perfectly good weight-loss system.

My slightly more realistic goal is to have this 10 lbs. off (plus a few more, I hope) before Thanksgiving. I can do that. Maybe. My ultimate goal is to lose this 10, plus another 40. We'll see.

I have NEVER had healthy eating habits. NEVER. I grew up on Double Stuff Oreos. It's very difficult for me to view weight loss as a "healthy life change," instead of a "diet," the way all the experts say you're supposed to do because "healthy life change" is a fancy way of saying, "Your Double Stuff days are OVER." The word *DIET* just means, "Your Double Stuff days are temporarily on hold until that monstrosity you call a butt can fit into the pair of too-small jeans you just bought, and yes- you do have to be able to get them zipped, and no- your gut may not spill way out over the top. That looks skanky."

I don't even mind being "chubby." If I could be one of those bigger women who still "has a pretty face," I think I'd be satisfied with myself. It's the fact that 50% of my body weight sits on and directly below my face that bugs me. I don't get to have the standard double-chin that seems to accompany a sexy figure such as mine. Instead, I just have one Big Balloon Chin. If I could make that go away, I'd feel great about the rest of me. I don't like looking at my big, gargantuous neck in pictures, hanging there under my big, gargantuous face. I've been told, by a few who know me best, that I might have a slight self-image/self-esteem problem. There may be a nugget of truth to that (Gee. Ya think?), but the fact that I will soon be turning 41, and my promise to myself had been to have all my weight off by 40, isn't helping. So, Big Balloon Chin Chelle isn't feeling very good about herself, or her approaching birthday, today. What would really be horrible is if I DO lose all the weight, but the Big Balloon Chin remains. That would just figure.

In other news... Last night was Alex's last high school football game. It was also Senior Night, so we got to walk across the field with him. I felt so proud of him. For those of you that don't have kids yet, or still have only little ones... You know how people always toss out those cliches like, "Take time to enjoy them because they grow up so fast," etc.? Well, they do! It just flies by. I can't believe he'll be gone soon. It went by too fast. My sweet baby boy looked like such a man last night. He handed me a rose on the field, then gave me a hug (crushing my Big Balloon Face into his shoulder pads, but I'm not complaining) and a kiss on the cheek. It was very sweet. I even got an *I love you, Mom* out of it! He's turned into a really "fine, young man" as my grandpa would have said, and I'm so proud of who he is and who he's becoming. Even if he weren't my son, I would still genuinely LIKE him and think he was a good guy. It's just a bonus that I get to be his Mom and love him, too.

Our team ended up losing the game, which was really disappointing for him. If they would have won, they would have gotten into the play-offs and he was really hoping last night wouldn't be "the end." To make the evening even more difficult for him, he and his girlfriend of over a year broke up before the game. A tough night all the way around for him.

He's getting his Sr. pictures taken tomorrow, and we just finished ordering all the graduation stuff... Cap and gown, announcements, etc. There seem to be constant reminders everywhere I look, that scream at me- "He's leaving soon!" Eighteen years just doesn't last very long. I didn't get enough time. It was too short. I want to slow it down... No- make it stop! I want him to be my little boy for just a few more minutes.

So, in honor of Alex and the blessing of getting to be his Mom,

here's a few pictures from what seems like the last five minutes...

I love you, Pooh! You really are a good man.

Well, time to get my day started. The kids don't have school today, so I'm using the time to clean out my closet. Ugh! But first- breakfast. I'm craving M&Ms. Is anyone else craving M&Ms?