Sunday, August 9, 2009

The Cow Says...

That's going to become the title of my blog, I think. And I shall sign all my posts "Heifer."

I'm fat, is what I'm indicating there.

You're shocked, I know.

Of course, I'm always fat, so this is not new news to any of us, and I'm really no fatter now than any other day, but some days the magnitude of the fatness seems... well... bigger. It hits me harder.

I've been feeling crappier about myself than I have in a long time. A long, long time. Maybe it's because "Forty-Three" is approaching soon and my goal in my late thirties was to have all my weight off by 40. Big, big FAIL. Then last year, I was supposed to lose all the weight for my son's wedding. Remember that? Yeah. Ummm... Huge FAIL.

Or maybe it's just because I look like crap. Yeah, that could be it. I may be onto something with that one.

I was at the mall today, buying school clothes for the kids and saw an adorable shirt I would have liked to get for myself. Loved, loved, LOVED it. The problem? I was in one of those ridiculous teenager-y kinds of stores, where there are huge pictures of really hot, half-naked young people, locked in passionate poses, hanging all over the place, and where everything is sized in miniature, you know? *Large* actually means maybe a size 8, or something. XL is like a size 8.3. Usually, I wouldn't even see anything in those kinds of stores that would catch my eye. My taste really isn't "Teen Ho-bag." So, I either keep myself busy helping the kid find something, or I'm trying to zone out and remain in my happy place, while I wait patiently for us to leave the store and its booming, crappy music behind (oh, man... that sounded so OLD). But this shirt was sooo cute- not at all the popular "I Aspire to Become a Prostitute When I Grow Up" style. So I pointed out the shirt to the girl behind the register (she was a fat girl, too) and asked if there was any chance in Hades that the shirt would fit me. She said probably not. Of course. She said she'd given up trying anything on in that store, because nothing fits.

I don't want to shop at flippin' fat chick stores. I don't like "fat chick" clothes. They're not cute. I want cute.

I'm not cute.

My skin looks like I'm 49. My hair is crap. And... is it falling out? Why, yes. I believe it is. Thank you for asking. My body is crap. I am crap. Is this a mid-life crisis I'm having here? Do I need to buy a sports car? Hope not. I can't afford one. I'm old and poor AND fat. Jeez. I can't catch a break.

Please don't mistake my remarks as a manipulative ploy to get you all to say, "Oh, no- you look great." That's not what I want. I don't want anything. I just want to sit here and blow up balloons for my pity party until I'm lightheaded and half sick, and complain and be a big baby. And of course, I mean "big" in the literal sense. Tomorrow I will probably feel better... Right?

Yeah... tomorrow will be better.

Um, not to treat you like a dufus, or anything, but that last part was dripping with sarcasm, in case you missed it.


Nicki said...

If it makes you feel any better, i could have written this (right down to the hair falling out, the skin disaster and all) and I'm only 34. I feel about 104. It's depressing as hell. I feel your pain, quite literally.

Heather said...

First of all... big hugs to you. Second, there is a lot of great stores in between the "fat girl" stores and the "I want to be a size 2 ho bag" stores. I make and effort to stay out of both extremes. Especially the later of the 2. My only suggestion is to take the money that you would have spent on that really cute but probably way overpriced shirt, and send it to a little day spa where someone can give you the pampering you deserve. The teeny bopper stores have tshirts for $50. That is a cut and a highlight, or a nice mani and pedi cure!!! The put the word cure at the end, because it really does cure these moments of feeling anything but the beautiful person you are!!! Feel better.

Tami said...

I'm with ya sister...although, if it makes you feel any better, I'm probably in a bigger size. In fact I could have written this post because last week while my parents were here I made the mistake of getting my mom to stand on the Wii and go through the Wii Fit test and SHE WEIGHS LESS THAN I DO! And not by a little bit. You would think that would start my 'I'm going to do something about this diet' - but instead it just made me want to grab another package of Keebler Fudge Striped Cookies. Yep. That's where I am.

char said...

I cried at my doctor's office last week about being fat. I asked her about it and she brought out the "wheel" (height vs. weight) and said, "Yes, you are in the overweight range." I was thin all my life, so this is really hard for me to grasp, that I need to lose 30lbs. to be in the "fit" range..
You're not alone, is what I'm saying. I think people just don't talk about it. {{{hugs}}}

Heidi said...

You don't have to be fat to feel this way sometimes. I'm not technically overweight, but I'm so out of shape I can hardly get up the stairs to my third-floor condo. My hair isn't falling out but it's very grey and getting coarse. Yuck. And I wouldn't even entertain buying a new shirt, because we don't have the money.

But, on the bright side, no one in my family is ill, my husband loves me, we have a roof over our heads and at last one job between us, and, like you, I have an adorable little boy named Sam.

Pity parties are OK, but sometimes I find it helps to focus on those who have it so much worse. Or take a walk. Eating cookies just makes you feel worse. Though venting also helps, imho.

(Can we see more pictures of that cutie pie little boy of yours?)

Elaine said...

You are not crap. And my hair falls out every fall and spring. It's like I'm a dog -- I have actual shedding seasons, and the second one of the year is just beginning. But most importantly of all? YOU ARE NOT CRAP! I have days when I feel like I am crap, too. Pick your reason: I suck at being a mom, I suck at being a wife, I suck at keeping my house clean, I want to loose a few pounds and keep shoving cookies in my face instead, I waste too much time on the computer, I don't help other people enough, my house is surrounded by weeds, I suck at beekeeping, blah blah blah. Why do we (meaning every woman I have ever known) do this to ourselves? I will never know. But what I do know? YOU ARE NOT CRAP!!!! Have I gotten my message across? You know, the one about how YOU ARE NOT CRAP??? Just making sure. Seriously, of all the bloggers I've never met but would like to? You are so way at the top of my list. I like to think I don't sit around wishing I could meet crap, you know? Which is again, just to reiterate, YOU ARE NOT CRAP. Sorry for the period at the end of that one. I'm getting a little winded (which isn't to say I've been yelling at you, just that I've been trying to make sure you are hearing me) (and, last time I looked at some, crap doesn't have any ears, so if you were crap, I wouldn't have wasted my time telling you that YOU ARE NOT CRAP).

Anonymous said...

Yeah, what Elaine said. Also? It occurs to me what you may be is SLEEP DEPRIVED. Any chance of that? Because I've never had a baby and gotten sleep at the same time. Ne-ver. And when I'm sleep deprived I feel like absolute crap. (I'm also rather mean. Which is an part of my character I'd rather not examine...)

So enjoy the pity party (I do think one can derive a bit of good from a pity party now and again) and then go take a nice long nap while one of the big kids plays with Sam and don't feel an ounce of guilt about it. :-)

Patty said...

Another one here who could've written this very post. In fact, we're even the same age-----I'm racing towards my 43rd birthday in December. Maybe we should start a little support group :)

My words of wisdom...get some sleep. Sleep deprivation will do horrible things to your self-esteem. You might weigh more than you like, but you are a beautiful person!

Lina said...

Oh, can I relate! Look in the mirror and repeat after me: I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and dog-gone it, people like me. - Stuart Smalley

That's the great thing about having kids too - they love you no matter what...I have been told how great it is that I am so squishy to lay a head on.

I've been trying to lose weight this summer...and have had some success. Too bad after I lose this first 30, I have another 40 or so to go. So what I'm sayin is, I can relate. I also wonder if I'm going to go bald someday with the amount of hair I lose. I am 36 and have a bunch of short gray wirey hairs that pop out of my do on top. But I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and dog-gone it, people like me. :)


sassy chic said...

Ahhh Chelle, you felt this way and still had it in you to pray the sweetest prayer for me when I was feeling waaaayyyy down! You are such a great friend and I had no idea you were feeling this way....again! So what about you and me heading to the YMCA on a regular basis? Let me know if this is a possibility K? Love you every inch of you, by the way!!! E~

dimeadozen said...

U've never looked more beautiful to me! I know that doesn't help what goes through your head when YOUR EYES are looking into the mirror, but KNOW THIS....

you are loved and admired by me, when my eyes look at you, you are my beautiful baby girl, no matter what the mirror may try and tell you.

UR biggest fan!