Sunday, February 1, 2009

Illness Update

Oh my gosh, you guys, you should hear my voice. It's hilarious. This would be a good time to take up singing. I've never been able to carry a tune, but I doubt anyone would notice at this point. I think it sounds like Melissa Ethridge in horrible pain... which is kind of how she always sounds anyway.

You know what's really funny? I keep having coughing fits that are so strong, my puke reflex becomes confused and thinks I'm trying to hurl, so... I do. I hurl. I cough until I can't breath, with tears streaming down my face, then just for a fun finish, I vomit. How's that for good times? I tell ya, I'm having more fun than a band of drunk monkeys.

I'm going to watch the House marathon today (yes, seriously, there is another House marathon on- I wouldn't kid about something like that) because I'm thinking maybe I can get a diagnosis. His team will say I have sarcoidosis. Maybe it's autoimmune. House will say it is Cushing's. (**Drama Queen Alert**) Then I will curl up in a corner and cry for my mother as I wait for death. Of course, she will not recognize my voice, and Melissa Ethridge's mom will show up instead, and there will be this whole awkward, embarrassing thing... But, then, I will die. Possibly in her arms. I don't know, we'll just have to see how it goes.

I wish to be buried in my Wonder Woman t-shirt. And unless someone wants to pluck my eyebrows, we should probably leave the casket closed. I've been a little lax with the personal hygiene lately. Please put my brand new white Nikes in the casket with me. I hardly got to wear them, so by golly, those suckers are coming with me.


Laura L. said...

Wow! At least your imagination is still powerfully at work. LOL!

Such a strong cough, have you been checked for pneumonia? Serious question.

I woke up with a sudden illness myself today. Apparently I may have what Jadyn had. Good times ahead - 4 days of fever. Hopefully I won't be as sick.

The whole family has gone to church without poor me. Maybe I will watch a movie or two.

Feel better soon.

Anonymous said...

You always crack me up! Sorry you are feeling so lousy. Now, if you tell anybody I gave you this advice, I will have to deny it heartily, being a good Mormon girl and all, but I have *heard* that a tablespoon or two of good whiskey (like Crown Royal, I've heard) is just about the best thing you can do to get rid of a cough like that. I have also *heard* that mixing said whiskey with honey makes it burn less when it goes down, but taking it straight lets the taste dissipate faster and, therefore, is the preferred method for some.

Anonymous said...

Can we get the person who plucks your eyebrows to check mine too? It seems like I don't have as many to pluck these days. I don't know if it's the fact that I've done it for so long that now they aren't coming back in as thick, or if my close-up vision is going as I get older and I just can't see them anymore.

Anonymous said...

How you can be so funny while you are so sick is simply amazing to me. I'm just feeling sort of "under the weather" and I can't work up anything close to that funny.

I heard that rubbing vicks vapor rub on your feet stops a cough. Weird, but apparently it works. I actually tried it during my last cold and I have to say, I didn't wake up with a coughing fit once. Just my Helpful Tip for the day...