Sunday, February 15, 2009

Keepin' it sexy

Guess what...

I'm catching another cold.

This is where you say, "Oh my gosh, Michelle, are you serious?"

And I say, "Yes, I'm serious," in a voice that's all incredulous and indignant and what-not. Yes, I'm getting sick again. Why would I not be serious about something like that? Gee whiz. What a stupid question.

Am I being Punk'd, or something? Is Ashton Kutcher hiding in my closet and introducing viral agents into the air as I walk by? How is that even funny? He really should have better things to do.

Anyway... Sick or not, I know you are all stalking my blog, desperate to hear what we did yesterday for Valentine's Day. Yeah, I know. I get it. We're two old people (one of us just turned FIFTY-ONE) who have been married for almost twenty years. How could we possibly still be all hot and bothered for each other, right? Should old people even be thinking about romance or s*e*x? Aren't they afraid one of them will break a hip? See how I always pinpoint exactly what you're thinking?

And so dear friends, sick or not, I am committed to you, my loyal and oh-so-adoring readers. I will lay my own comfort aside, along with this snotty kleenex I'm holding, to tell you how it's done.

Keepin' it Sexy- Year 20:
  1. Exchange cards and candy, first thing in the morning. To amp up the anticipation and sex appeal, have the kids deliver the cards and candy for you. Sure, it may look like you're both too lazy and uninterested to actually walk down the hallway yourself and hand your spouse a card, but we all know this is part of the ruse. You know... to throw off the kids. This way, they have no idea that the fires of romance are already starting to smolder.
  2. Spend the day at your kids' basketball games. Because nothing encourages romance quite as much as watching a bunch of 8 year olds chasing a basketball like crack-addicted puppies chasing their tails. Make sure you barely speak to each other during the game. For that matter, make it look as if you barely know each other. Oooooh. Yeah. That's hot.
  3. Around dinner time, you should start the "Sexy Talk." Something like, "So... Do you want me to cook your dinner, or not? I'm tired."
  4. At about 8:30 p.m., one spouse gives the other a look that says "I'm so tired I could die" and announces she is going to bed. Then she does. This is not code lingo for "I'll be waiting for you in the bedroom, you big stud." This is not a ploy to fool the kids as she slinks off to put on some tiny Victoria's Secret thing (Can you still call it tiny if it's an XXXXXXXL? Actually the size on the tag doesn't really say XXXXXXXL. I'm kidding. It just says "Horse"). This means she is going to bed. The look she gives as she walks away says "Just try to stop me."
  5. At about 11:00 p.m., one spouse wakes up and goes to the kitchen to retrieve night-time cold medicine. She sees husband playing some stupid Playstation game with one of her precious offspring. She is so overcome with feelings of love for her beautiful family on this glorious day that she momentarily stops to blow her nose, then pats her husband on the shoulder (with snotty kleenex still in hand, of course) and says, "I'm going back to bed. Don't bother me. Good night."

So... yeah... That's how it's done. We're hot like that. Don't be jealous.

How about you? How did you spend your Valentine's Day? Don't feel like you have to try to top my story. We both know you can't.


E. said...

Oh my word! This is the THIRD comment I've tried to leave on this post. The THIRD! For some reason they all keep vanishing into the great void that is this wonderful invention of Al Gore's. Anyway, right there with you in hotness, as you know.
(signing my name because I'm going to try to leave THIS comment using my blogger account, and since I don't actually blog there . . .)

Laura L. said...

This is hilarious.
Our evening was pretty sexy too.
Put the 4 year old to bed and then try to stay awake long enough to finish the movie.
So sorry you are sick again! I'm paranoid about getting something again myself.

Rebecca said...

My husband and I cleaned the bathrooms! How romantic is that!!!

metaphase said...

We spent a romantic evening at church. Hey, there was child care there, at least!
Get some rest. Your immune system needs to revamp! I hope you're better soon.

mrsbroccoliguy said...

Nope, can't top your night... waaaay more impressive than mine... I haven't gone to bed that early in years!! :-)