The Great Dress Disaster of '08: Day 38

Seriously. 38 days of worrying and trying to find an acceptable frock to cover my carcass for this wedding. After the last shopping adventure with Darrell (when I forgot to wear my flak jacket and spats) sent me home in tears, I got on the computer and ordered 3 dresses from an online store. THREE. My thinking was that one of them will work, and I can send the other two back. They arrived today.

Let's play a fun game. See if you can guess which one I'm wearing to the wedding. Ready?

Choice #1: The dress I ordered is not in this red color. I got it in Blush, but they don't have a picture of it.

Choice #2: This one is the actual color. It's Taupe.And here is choice #3: This is also the color I ordered. A soft pink. This dress also comes in Champagne, but of course, we can't do that.

Okay. Have you made your guesses? Do you need a few more moments?

Who chose "None of the Above?"

Dress #1 was not actually a blush pink as shown on the computer. It's a bright peach. ICK. And it fits like a nightgown. Add some bunny slippers and you've got yourself a nice bedtime ensemble. Quite comfy, actually, but not flattering on a fat girl. When I look at clothing on the computer, I always forget to subtract 10 inches from the height of the model and add it to the width, strategically placed as various rolls and globules of fat.

Dress #2... It fits. Darrell likes it. It's the color of baby poop. Baby Poop. The neckline is waaaaay more low-cut than it appears in the picture. My breasticular regions would require some type of enhancing garment with this dress because they are definitely on display and will need to be sitting up front, paying attention. None of their usual slacking on the job, just hanging around being lazy. Know what I'm sayin'? Actually, this may have to be my backup dress if I don't find something in Kansas City next week with my mom, so if you picked this one, we'll dub thee the The Big Winner.

(God, please. Don't make me have to wear a Baby Poop dress with my jumblies hanging out. Pleeeeeaase. I beg of you.)

Dress #3 didn't fit. I couldn't get all my back fat zipped into it. Besides, up close in real life, it's that obnoxious "baby pink" color that only looks pretty on baby blankets. No, thank you. I like pink, but a "big girl" shade of pink, please. Plus- the top is COVERED in little white sparkly doodads that did not show up in the picture. They appear to be little chips of children's teeth. Odd embellishment for a dress, in my opinion, but maybe I just don't know fashion. Again, I must ask... Who decided that sparkles, glitter, and little bits of shiny plastic are the epitome of elegance and class? I want to choke this person. This one also had a VERY sheer skirt, which would require an extra layer underneath. I'll be sweaty enough, I'm sure. I don't need additional help.

I don't want to look like some weird bedazzled, jacket-wearin', version of myself. I don't want to sit there worrying that my back fat will win the battle with my zipper and burst free, or that the duct tape holding my poor, tired girls in place will begin to slip as I start sweating. Honestly, am I asking for too much? Why is this so flippin' hard??????????

As I said, my mom and I are going to KC next week and hopefully this horrible ordeal will come to an end. She's coming to town for Alex's graduation and will be staying a week with us. Surely we'll find something. We HAVE TO. Every day, I get more and more upset about this. Over a stupid dress that will be worn once! I'm beginning to think some of my friends and relatives are right. Just buy something bright purple or orange or an icky PEACH nightgown, and be done with it. I'm going to have an ulcer by June 20th. Maybe by then, I'll be sitting in a padded room, weeping softly, clutching a swatch of beautiful champagne fabric, and allowing the sweet release of insanity to wash over me and carry me away from this stress. One can only hope.