Thursday, May 8, 2008

The Great Dress Disaster of '08: Day 38

Seriously. 38 days of worrying and trying to find an acceptable frock to cover my carcass for this wedding. After the last shopping adventure with Darrell (when I forgot to wear my flak jacket and spats) sent me home in tears, I got on the computer and ordered 3 dresses from an online store. THREE. My thinking was that one of them will work, and I can send the other two back. They arrived today.

Let's play a fun game. See if you can guess which one I'm wearing to the wedding. Ready?

Choice #1: The dress I ordered is not in this red color. I got it in Blush, but they don't have a picture of it.

Choice #2: This one is the actual color. It's Taupe.And here is choice #3: This is also the color I ordered. A soft pink. This dress also comes in Champagne, but of course, we can't do that.

Okay. Have you made your guesses? Do you need a few more moments?

Who chose "None of the Above?"

Dress #1 was not actually a blush pink as shown on the computer. It's a bright peach. ICK. And it fits like a nightgown. Add some bunny slippers and you've got yourself a nice bedtime ensemble. Quite comfy, actually, but not flattering on a fat girl. When I look at clothing on the computer, I always forget to subtract 10 inches from the height of the model and add it to the width, strategically placed as various rolls and globules of fat.

Dress #2... It fits. Darrell likes it. It's the color of baby poop. Baby Poop. The neckline is waaaaay more low-cut than it appears in the picture. My breasticular regions would require some type of enhancing garment with this dress because they are definitely on display and will need to be sitting up front, paying attention. None of their usual slacking on the job, just hanging around being lazy. Know what I'm sayin'? Actually, this may have to be my backup dress if I don't find something in Kansas City next week with my mom, so if you picked this one, we'll dub thee the The Big Winner.

(God, please. Don't make me have to wear a Baby Poop dress with my jumblies hanging out. Pleeeeeaase. I beg of you.)

Dress #3 didn't fit. I couldn't get all my back fat zipped into it. Besides, up close in real life, it's that obnoxious "baby pink" color that only looks pretty on baby blankets. No, thank you. I like pink, but a "big girl" shade of pink, please. Plus- the top is COVERED in little white sparkly doodads that did not show up in the picture. They appear to be little chips of children's teeth. Odd embellishment for a dress, in my opinion, but maybe I just don't know fashion. Again, I must ask... Who decided that sparkles, glitter, and little bits of shiny plastic are the epitome of elegance and class? I want to choke this person. This one also had a VERY sheer skirt, which would require an extra layer underneath. I'll be sweaty enough, I'm sure. I don't need additional help.

I don't want to look like some weird bedazzled, jacket-wearin', version of myself. I don't want to sit there worrying that my back fat will win the battle with my zipper and burst free, or that the duct tape holding my poor, tired girls in place will begin to slip as I start sweating. Honestly, am I asking for too much? Why is this so flippin' hard??????????

As I said, my mom and I are going to KC next week and hopefully this horrible ordeal will come to an end. She's coming to town for Alex's graduation and will be staying a week with us. Surely we'll find something. We HAVE TO. Every day, I get more and more upset about this. Over a stupid dress that will be worn once! I'm beginning to think some of my friends and relatives are right. Just buy something bright purple or orange or an icky PEACH nightgown, and be done with it. I'm going to have an ulcer by June 20th. Maybe by then, I'll be sitting in a padded room, weeping softly, clutching a swatch of beautiful champagne fabric, and allowing the sweet release of insanity to wash over me and carry me away from this stress. One can only hope.


Laurie said...

Oh my gosh, you crack me up with your jumblies! I love dress #2, for the record. Baby poop color and all. I'm sure Victoria could call the girls to attention if necessary.

sassy chic said...

I am in full agreement head to Victorias Secret and get those ladies in line! Or just wear the original dress, your sweet,precious
daughter-in-law to be probably dosn't even remember that she thought that! NOr has she seen the dress to really know if it will detract from her dress...I just want to wring her kneck for making you go over the edge like this. Although you are funny when you go over the edge. Ah here I am rambling I must desist!

Michelle said...

Uh-oh, Sassy. We have to keep it nice. Nobody is wringing anybody's neck. Let the record reflect that I did not suggest any neck wringing. You are going to get me into trouble, lady.

Christina said...

Oh but you are funny when you talk dress-shopping. Part of me (a cruel, sick, sadistic part) hopes the shopping goes on longer because these posts are such fun to read. ;-) No but seriously, I like #2 as well, so at least it's not a horrid option, if you have to go with it. I just don't understand - I mean the vast majority of women in the U.S. are NOT a size 4... why the heck don't they make more dresses that flatter larger women?? (and let me just say, I'm a more petite size but have very little to show up front and thusly most dresses look weird and loose in the chesticular region... we all have our issues with the Evil Dressmaking Consortium!!!!)
Hope next week's shopping trip turns up the perfect dress!

Laurie said...

Crying, crying with laughter, I tell you! You are a great story teller! Best of luck in KC! Keep us posted!

char said...

I like the baby poop dress, even the color looks nice (from the pic, at least). I don't understand why you can't wear the first dress you loved. I really don't think anyone is going to mistake you for the bride. Perhaps you'd just be so stunning in it people wouldn't be able to take their eyes off you...:)I mean upstaging the bride would be wearing a)all black or b)a hot pink feather boa with fishnet hose. I don't THINK you're planning on wearing that...are you?

Anita said...

Hey Michelle - Found your blog through Laura's blog...another adoptive momma friend as I am too!! LEAST you've got 38 days left? UGH....I have...let's see what is May 31st minus May 8th...yes higher math here. YEP, you read that correctly, May 31st is my son's wedding and I'm still not set on a dress yet. Oh and I also got one of those funky shapers (not a SPANX mind you), that takes you down 2 sizes....OH MY WORD! At least you're brave enough to talk about it all on your blog....Me...not so much! HA! Thanks for the smiles and laughter! We'll have to share mother-of-the-groom stories. ~Anita

Michelle said...

You guys are all so funny!

Christina, bite your tongue. I can't take the shopping any longer.

Char, the boa and fishnets are sounding pretty good right about now. I may even tear holes in the fishnets, a la Britney Spears. Thanks for the idea, sweetie!

Anita, you poor baby. I feel your pain. Best of luck on finding something! Now quit reading blogs, get out there, and start shopping!

Thanks, Everyone! Sounds like we have enough feedback in favor of the baby poop frock to hang onto it for awhile. We'll see if I can find something to make my Mams stand up and cooperate.