Facebook Status

For those of you who know me on Facebook, this post is a repeat.  You may want to skip it altogether...  Unless you'd like to start a juicy discussion in the comments!  ???  I'm so blessed to have an interesting mix of political and religious viewpoints among my blogging friends, so I'd love to hear your opinions about Richard Mourdock's recent comments regarding rape and pregnancy.  Here are mine (and this is the repetitive part; a copy of my most recent fb status): 

 

I'm struggling to understand all the fuss and fury over Richard Mourdock's comments. When you really look at what he said, and not what the Liberals are twisting his words to mean, how is it all that bad? How is it "demeaning to women?" I can see why his comments would ruffle the feathers of non-Believers who do not choose to acknowledge God's purpose in ANYTHING. I can see why it would offend the pro-abortionists who do not place value on ANY unborn child's life... But how does it demean a woman to say God created her child with a purpose?

I DO believe my birth was part of God's plan, and I'm not sorry for that. Am I happy my birth mother was raped so that I could be here? Of course not. Is God? Absolutely NOT! But... I DO believe I was "intended" by God to be here, and 'deserve' to be here just as surely as any 'planned' or 'wanted' child, conceived in a loving relationship. Thank God my birth mother thought so, too. She did not

(and emotionally could not) choose to parent me, and no one would fault her for that. But, instead of punishing me for the crime committed against her, she lovingly chose adoption. Should I have been aborted because some disgusting excuse of a human being committed a crime against her?

The sad thing is knowing that some of you are answering 'Yes.'

Despite the circumstances of my conception, I know God has a plan and purpose for my life (and I see that purpose every time I look into the beautiful faces of my own children). Isn't that all Mourdock is saying? God has a plan in all things, for all people? And that sentiment is somehow demeaning to women? He never said rape is God's plan for women. In fact, he said the opposite.
 

I believe in a God who exchanges beauty for ashes, and turns tragedies into blessings. If you don't, fine. But to viciously attack this man's assertion is to conversely suggest that God does NOT intend for babies conceived in rape to exist; that they are even more disposable, and THAT is demeaning to ME.

Thoughts, anyone?

Would you have aborted me?

Okay, this is the post on abortion that I warned you about. Run away now if you don't want to hear it. I know this is a hot topic that I should probably stay away from, but have I ever mentioned my common sense is, um, not great?

So let me get the disclaimers out of the way... First, my thoughts will probably be quite rambly. I have a million thoughts swirling around, but will do the best I can to get them out in a way that makes sense. Please forgive me if I'm not as succinct as I should be. If I stumble over my words, or repeat myself one too many times, you'll understand I'm nervous about discussing all this with you, right?

This is not a politically motivated post, although I think the subject is a timely one considering tomorrow's election, and one of the candidate's deplorable views on abortion. This post is not about trying to sway anyone- it's just an airing of my own feelings regarding one very specific segment of the pro-abortion camp. My hope is that I can cause you to look at your views from another angle- to step into another's shoes, for just a moment.

If you are a sold-out abortion supporter, you will not get this post. Likewise, if you are not a Christian, you will not get this post. Go ahead and read if you wish, but don't expect it to make sense to you.

I personally feel that there is no middle ground when it comes to abortion. Notice, I said "personally." These are my feelings. You may share your feelings if you wish, but my feelings are not open to debate. I want to make it clear right away that my comments today are not directed at the unwavering abortion supporter, but to the Christian believer who thinks there are cases when abortion is sometimes "acceptable." So, pro-abortion people, any arguments over your side vs. my side are pointless. You won't sway me, and I'm pretty sure I couldn't sway you.

Since I'm sharing personal feelings and revelations here, my intentions are definitely not to offend or anger anyone. So, I would appreciate if your comments do not intend to offend or anger me. Please keep them civil.

My view of abortion is that it is murder. This allows you yet another chance to flee if you feel you won't be able to take it. Everything I say will be steeped in this view. I do not believe any of us should get the "choice" to murder a child. If that bothers you, stop reading right now (This does not mean that I don't have compassion for women struggling with an unplanned pregnancy, or suffering from the guilt that often follows the choice of abortion. I do. I am not one of those so-called "Christians" who stands outside an abortion clinic screaming hateful, horrible things at the hurting women coming out. I do not believe for one second that's how the Lord would treat these women, or wants me to treat them. I have very dear friends who have experienced the pain and trauma caused by making this choice for themselves years ago and my heart aches for them as they continue to battle with the long-lasting ramifications of their decisions, finding themselves unable to truly forgive their own actions and move on).

Still reading? Okay. Either you're with me so far, or you're one of those people exactly like me who are compelled to keep reading after the warnings have been issued! You at least have to admit I've given you plenty of time to skedaddle, so you can't say I didn't warn you.

Here we go... Boldly going where no sane person would go.

I often hear the phrase, "I am opposed to abortion except in the case of incest or rape." I'm sure you've heard this too, or something similar. Maybe you even believe it yourself. If so, I'd like to encourage you to seriously reevaluate your thoughts on this. Each time I hear this, I remind myself not to take it personally. I shouldn't let it get to me. I tell myself they are not speaking to me personally. I should just let it go.

But I can't. I'm sorry, but it is personal. You are speaking to me. About me.

As one of those "rape babies," what I hear is this: "I usually believe abortion is wrong, but I totally understand why a mother wouldn't want YOU!"

Yes, my bio mother was raped. And guess what?!? I didn't rape her. So, why is it so easy for you to understand punishing the child for a condition she did not cause, and a crime she did not commit? Okay, so maybe you don't consider abortion a punishment? Maybe to you, the true punishment is in some woman carrying the filthy spawn of a rapist- "The Bad Seed"? Have you really taken time to learn the details of the procedure? Would you like to experience those "details" from the baby's point of view? Criminals are executed more humanely than babies are aborted.

My bio mother had someone in her life who wanted her to abort me. If she would have let her secret out to more people, I'm sure she would have had others who thought abortion was an entirely understandable and acceptable measure, considering her horrible circumstances. After all, who could blame her? Why on earth would she want to carry a rapist's baby?

Here's the deal: The life of an unborn child is either valuable or it is not. I understand the people who say it is not. I do not agree with them, but I understand that that is their view. I do not understand the people who say it is valuable sometimes.

So I have to ask you... If a rape baby is expendable in your eyes, why not a baby with disabilities? How can they still be precious to God, while I am not? Why not get rid of a baby of the "wrong" gender? Heck, why not just go back to Nazi-era Eugenics (which may not be too far off, IMHO)?

Whose life is more worthy in the eyes of God? And how can you be the one who chooses? When we start deciding which children can or should be done away with before birth, when and where does it stop?

I personally find it disgusting when I hear you shouting from the rooftops that abortion is wrong, then you follow it up with your quiet little disclaimer "except in the case of incest or rape."

It hurts me on a personal level (yes, even though I know it shouldn't) and sickens me as a fellow believer that you can think my life is not as valuable as a "wanted" baby, simply because a crime beyond my control, was committed against my biological mother. I (and every rape baby) was created by God, who makes no mistakes, just as surely as he created each and every other baby, whether they be "perfect," or impaired by disabilities or deformities.

The view that "abortion is wrong, except..." is hypocrisy- the epitome of fence-straddling- trying to feel good about holding onto one's convictions and moral values in theory, while allowing an "out." I'm reminded of the verses in Rev. 3 that say, "I know your deeds, that you are neither cold nor hot. I wish you were either one or the other! So, because you are lukewarm—neither hot nor cold—I am about to spit you out of my mouth."

Either the contents of the womb is a living being and therefore deserves to be protected and valued, or not. Unborn children are either precious in His sight, or not. Psalm 139 says, "For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;your works are wonderful,I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place.When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body.All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be." Tell me, where does that scripture allow for your convenient "out"? Where does it say rape babies are exempt from that whole "wonderfully made" thing?

God may not desire for a woman to experience the trauma of rape, but in His goodness, He can still bring something good out of it. Why did a loving God allow my bio mother, or any woman, to be raped? Why did I have to be born with such a disgusting legacy as that? Why couldn't I have been born as a "wanted" child into a family that looked forward to my arrival and raised me in a loving home? I have no idea.

But, I believe the Bible when it tells me God considers children to be a blessing and a gift. It doesn't say "some" children, or "planned" children. I believe the Bible when it tells me "'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'" I know He had a purpose and a plan for my life. And I accept how He chose to begin it. Why can't some of you?

I understand a woman who has been raped may not be able to love or want the child she carries. I understand that very, very well. But, I also thank God that my own bio mother did not punish me for something I didn't do. She couldn't keep me, and understandably didn't want me, but that didn't mean she had to "terminate" me. Thank God she chose adoption over abortion. Were those nine months of carrying a rapist's child hard on her? I'm sure they were- beyond what most of us could imagine. Does that justify the destruction of the child? I don't think so.

The next time you find yourself thinking, "I am opposed to abortion except in the case of incest or rape," consider the people who are listening to your words. You just may be speaking to one of those you deem to be exterminable. Maybe you should tweak your words slightly so that they accurately reflect what the people you are insulting will hear: "I usually believe abortion is wrong, but I totally understand why a mother wouldn't want YOU!" "I can't imagine having to be pregnant with YOU," or just come right out and say, "Children conceived during rape or incest do not deserve to live as much as 'wanted' children." Isn't that pretty much what you're saying anyway? Then decide if you would still say that out loud. If so, come on over and say it to my face- lol!! That ought to be fun. ;D

I realize in today's society we're all supposed to have the touchy-feely warm fuzzies for all people and tolerate anything and everything from each other, but I have to say it... If you are a Believer and you believe abortion is wrong, except in the case of rape and incest, You.Are.Wrong. Forgive me for not sugar-coating it, but there you have it. Your view is not in line with the teachings of the Bible. You are wrong. You are wrong. You are wrong. The God you profess to love and serve created that life. Was He in error? Answer that for me... Was He in error?

He has a plan for that child's life; a future and a hope- a future that you would snuff out. You are wrong.

And with that, dear friends, I'm done. Let the comments fly. Thank you for kindly indulging my opinions on this subject. We will now return to our regularly scheduled programming.


Either the life of an unborn child has value or it doesn't.

I Don't Know What to Call This Post

How's that for a title? This post is a little rambly and I couldn't decide on a title that summed it up well. I changed it several times, and still didn't like it, so I went with this.

Update: Just in case you don't read the comments for this post, Possum has written a response to this on her blog. While I must be honest and say I do not feel it is a completely accurate interpretation of my thoughts, I wanted to give you both "sides" (although I don't actually think this is a matter of taking sides- it's just a different view. I do agree with several things she says). I felt it would be most fair to link directly to her post instead of just telling you about it. I wanted you to hear what she thinks, instead of just my version of what she said, both out of respect to her and to allow you to get the full gist of her perspective without it possibly being misinterpreted or judged by me. You can read her thoughts on this post here. Thank you, Possum, for your thoughts.

To begin with... I wanted to direct your attention to a blog called Possum's Place , and specifically to the post called The ONLY Way Adoption Should Be, written Mon., June 9th. Awesome post. I loved it, agreed with it wholeheartedly (and I rarely agree with anyone even halfheartedly), and think everyone on earth should read it. There. How was that for an endorsement? A little over the top, maybe? I'm just trying to convey that it's a good, worthwhile read. Go read it. But go after you're done here, because I'm getting ready to say something else. So wait just a darn minute. Geez. Ready to jump ship pretty quick, aren't ya?

As an adoptee, I find it very difficult at times to talk about my adoption-related feelings, especially on this blog. I'm sometimes a little jealous of "Adoptee Bloggers" (like Possum and others, whose blogs offer a view into their thoughts and feelings).

For one: (and I've said this before) Members from all the various factions of my life read this blog, which makes naked, brutal honesty difficult. Oh, how I would love to just let my guts spill all over this blog someday- lol; I could really give you an earful on a lot of different things, not just adoption; get everything off my chest, but... I won't. And several of my family members probably just breathed a huge sigh of relief. A few of my favorite bloggers have recently taken up the practice of protecting certain posts, or even starting a separate protected blog altogether, to allow them to be more open with their readers on certain topics. I can understand why. There are things you may feel like you want or even need to say, but can't when you know certain people are reading. So we remain guarded and only show a portion of our true selves and our lives to the world. Probably as it should be. Honesty can be a dangerous thing! My personal problem with starting a protected blog would be the guilt I'd feel over denying someone the password. If I refuse to give it out to someone, they will know I'm talking about them- Ha! I'd end up giving it to everyone, so as not to hurt any feelings, and I'd wind up in the same boat I'm in right now- guarded.

Two: At 41 years of age, I am still struggling with a schizophrenic mixed bag of feelings regarding my adoption and all parties involved. I could carve my thoughts into stone today by putting them out here to publicly float forever, but tomorrow I may will feel just the opposite and regret ever saying anything at all. I have talked about my adoption facts and feelings a little bit on this blog, and if you missed it, you can find those posts here, and here. I'm sure there are a few others if you're willing to dig, but who has time for that? I'm not that interesting, anyway.

I also struggle with listening to others talk about their own adoption experiences. I don't always agree with everything other adoptees say for one thing, but it's more than that. Disagreement wouldn't be a big enough reason to keep me away from a blog- in fact, that's part of what makes reading blogs interesting, isn't it? Exposing yourself to new and different views, seeing things in a different light, etc... But I think my problem, at least partly, is I have a hard time processing the words and writings of other adult adoptees and birth parents without it affecting me in a very deep, personal way. I get "upset." I do not read any birth parent blogs (and I'm sorry if I offend with my chosen terms here, but I just don't like the term "first parents." I don't care if it's the new, improved lingo. I say "birth" or "bio."). And I don't read many adoptee blogs. I have a few favorites that I feel are excellent, well-balanced and articulate blogs, but just a few.

And while we're on this subject, may I stop for just a moment to caution you guys about reading adoptee and birth parent blogs? I don't even have one certain blog in mind as I say this, so please don't think I'm picking on your favorite blogger. And I would never advise you to stick your head in the sand and avoid reading blogs that may make you uncomfortable (as I do- hee, hee). My own hang-ups aside, I think it is so, so important for us as adoptive parents to listen to what adoptees and birth parents have to say. I applaud any effort an adoptive parent makes to better connect with their kids' feelings and needs, and I think it's just good, healthy parenting to seek the wisdom and advice of those who have the inside view. We can learn so much from their unique perspectives. HOWEVER... Adoptees are not all the same. Of course you know that. While they do often share a lot of similar feelings, they are not all the same. Some are just plain hateful and P*$$ED at everyone and want the whole world to know it. Some have a good reason to be angry, of course, but just like any other group of people- you will have the ranting ones, the chronic complainers, the drama queens, the glass-is-way-too-freakin'-empty types, thrown in with sound, reasonable types, upbeat, hopeful types, helpful types, plain ole normal, nice but boring types, and nauseatingly cheerful, optimistic types. And a few deep-in-denial types . Then there are the ones who are just hateful to the point of being downright scary. Shocking, scathing, or emotional rants and horror stories make for interesting, titillating reading, but it's not necessarily what we should be immersed in. And while these stories can seem plentiful compared to the "good, nice" stories, these types of perspectives are not necessarily the norm (whatever that is), or the majority. Think about it... if you are "normal," happy, and well-adjusted, how often do you talk about it? How much time do you spend thinking (or blogging), "Boy, I feel so normal, happy, and well-adjusted"? Those would be some boring blogs to read, but those kinds of adoptees are out there, too. They may just not feel the need to write about it. It is possible to grow up adopted and happy. I'm not sure how many of us, adopted or not, feel "normal," but it is possible for adoptees to feel emotionally whole, and mentally healthy. We do not all turn out to be hateful ranters who blog about our horrible parents and childhoods! Listening to a steady stream of the negative stuff is not healthy for an AP, nor is it conducive or necessary for good parenting. It's conducive to fearful, insecure parenting- being sure you will screw your kid up, too. lol. As parents, we need to be informed and educated, not frightened and criticized. As with all things in life: There has to be balance. Just be careful of what you read and buy into, is all I'm saying.

As far as keeping my own head in the sand, I am interested in adoptees' stories and points of view. Really, I am. But they sometimes make me feel things I don't want to feel and think about things I don't want to think about. In my own life, I feel that many of my adoption-related issues will never and can never be fully resolved. I've tried to resolve them, but I'm of the opinion that if more than one person is involved in an issue, it takes more than one person to resolve it. When both sides cannot work together to talk, and listen to each other, and arrive at some type of mutual understanding to "fix" the issue, it's just left there hanging. I don't like that feeling of stuff left hanging. I'm definitely a "closure" kind of girl. When you try to talk to someone and they don't or won't hear you, or can only focus on their own defenses and perspectives, and there's no resolution or sense of closure at the end, you wind up feeling even yuckier than you did before you tried to work it out. So... I keep my unresolved issues hidden under the rug, where I don't have to see them very often. When I'm faced with others talking about their own stories, it lifts the rug, so to speak, and again, I get "upset" (and, again, the word Denial leaps to mind). I often feel uncomfortable about the level of anger involved in the sentiments of other adoptees, even though I sometimes share it. On the other hand, I can start to feel almost squeamish if they have a warm fuzzy attitude toward all the parties involved in their own adoption triads, but wish at the same time that I could consistently feel that way, too. In other words, **I'm screwed up. And I find it's easier to enjoy being screwed up when one isn't constantly bombarded with reminders of one's screwed-up state all the time.

(Before I get any *mean, judgmental comments about how I have no business being an adoptive parent if I'm so messed up about it myself, I'll add a disclaimer:
**Of course, I want to nurture the healthiest attitude possible towards adoption for the sake of my child, and I do feel that my efforts to create a healthy adoptive environment for her have helped me to confront, deal with, and heal a lot of my own icky stuff. Having the blessing of her in my life forces me to remove my head from the sand and face my own issues because- OF COURSE- I do not want her to be screwed up, too, and I do not believe she has to be. I try as much as I can to keep my denial and craziness about my own adoption separate from her adoption. And in most ways, they truly are. I hope, pray, and really do believe that in some ways, my screwed-up-ness can help me be a better adoptive parent to my daughter by helping me to avoid, or at least successfully navigate through, some of the pitfalls APs can fall into, and by having a true personal understanding of some of the painful isolation and mixed feelings an adoptee can experience.

Second disclaimer, to counteract the negativity of the first disclaimer:
*Of course, I do not think any of my regular readers would leave me mean, judgmental comments. I did not mean you. I meant someone else.)

You should really talk more about being adopted...

This is going to be a long one. If you're not interested, now's your chance to escape. If you're staying, better pour yourself a Coke, grab the bag of chips and settle in. You have been warned.

The title of today's post is a suggestion I've heard several times now since starting this blog. Why don't I talk more about my own adoption? How much time do you have?

The reasons I don't talk about it here are many, but they include:

• Not wanting to upset, embarrass or offend my mom with unpleasant revelations or memories about my childhood (For clarification purposes, when I use the words "mother" or "mom," I am referring to the mother who raised me: my adoptive mother, although I hate calling her my "adoptive mother" and never do so in real life situations. She's just my Mom. When I refer to my birth mother, that's what I normally call her. Sometimes, I say bio/biological mother. I don't do the whole "first mother" thing that's so popular right now. I don't like it. Anyway, you should be able to differentiate with no problem). Both mothers and other family members visit my blog, so I feel an obligation to practice restraint. I am acutely aware that my story is not just my own. To be completely open and honest about it, means I will probably say something that is seen as hurtful by the other people involved. And you know the old saying, "If you can't say something nice..."
• Along the same lines... My attitude towards some of the people involved is probably not what it should be, although I don't really know what it should be. Maybe I should say that, as a Christian, I fear it's not what God would want it to be. I live with a lot of guilt. I feel I should be more forgiving, more accepting, more understanding, less hurt, less angry, etc. Some days, I'm at total peace with the whole mess, full of understanding and forgiveness. Some days, I'm not. And usually, the more I think and talk about it, the more self-focused I become- and the more I feel slighted, betrayed, and treated unfairly. This doesn't mesh with how the Word of God tells me I should feel and think (Just one example: "My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, for man's anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires... If anyone considers himself religious and yet does not keep a tight rein on his tongue, he deceives himself and his religion is worthless." James 1:19,26).
• Mostly, I just plain don't wanna talk about the ugliness of it in a public forum. It doesn't make me happy. How's that? Maybe I will want to someday, but not today.

The entire thing is a long, convoluted mess of a story. I think I've touched on my childhood a little bit in this previous post, but have never given the adoption back story. The best I can do on this blog is an edited version without the spicy details, and with an effort made to keep my judgments and opinions out of it (yeah, we'll see how that goes), which is not the most interesting way to tell a story, I know. Sorry. I'm told it's a juicy and titillating tale from a listener's POV, but I don't owe "a juicy story" to anyone. It's not my job to provide shocking, heart-wrenching, touching, or exciting stories. That's what Oprah is for.

I was told I was adopted as a child, but adoption was not openly discussed in my home growing up. I consider that to be no fault of my parents- that's just the way it was back then. The few times I recall bringing it up, my mother was visibly "ruffled" and I was aware of doing something wrong.

**And may I interrupt my own story here for just a second, to encourage APs not to be afraid of questions? Welcome and encourage them. Answer them. Let your kid ask or say whatever they need to say. Try as hard as you can to remove yourself and your own insecurities from the situation. Remember some things are not about you. Let them feel their feelings without guilt. Provide opportunities and outlets for them to get those feelings out in the open. Don't wait for them to bring it up, either. They may not realize they're allowed to talk about it, if they don't hear you talk about it. Recognize that the life they had before you is part of who they are and should be treated with love and respect. It can only help draw you closer and build a solid relationship. Lecture done. Moving on.

I didn't know many details of my conception and birth, or why I was placed for adoption, until I was around 26. By that time, you have a fairly clear idea of who you are. It took years, trying to readjust my compass, to come to grips with how the knowledge of my story has changed my perception of myself. Self Identity is a stubborn thing. The few sketchy details I thought I knew, came from my parents who got them from their agency. Those details turned out to be untrue. Catholic Charities may have thought the truth would make me a less desirable candidate. I don't know.

Here are the basic, non-juicy facts that I can share with you...
I was relinquished in 1966 by a woman with two other children, ages 7 and 10, so I have two older bio half-siblings who were raised by their mother. She was separated from her husband, and they reconciled during her pregnancy with me. Her husband was not my father. They divorced years later, shortly before I met her in 1993. He dropped her off at the hospital to have me. She never held or saw me. The husband looked at me once, apparently. He brought her back home after my birth and I was never discussed. I was just gone. She kept my relinquishment a secret from everyone (but the husband), allowing her family to believe she had "lost" her baby. My half-siblings learned of my existence, from their mother, shortly before I met all of them. They had forgotten about their mother's pregnancy until she revealed her story to them as adults.

I was adopted as an infant by a married couple with one 9 year old bio son, so I have an older brother. As I said, they used Catholic Charities and were told by the agency that my birth mother was very young (she is actually a year or so older than my mom) and single; basically a poor girl "in trouble." I guess that seemed more "acceptable" to them than the truth? The agency's version was understandable- something you can sympathize with; something that would make me sound deserving and in need of a family.

During my first pregnancy, I grew tired of writing "unknown" in boxes on medical forms and not knowing my own medical history for my kid's sake. That's how the wondering started. Before that the thoughts were just vague and distant wisps. Nothing concrete. I had learned to feel guilty when I wondered, so I tried not to. But I couldn't help wondering where the boys' blue eyes came from, as Darrell and I have green. The wondering eventually grew into an ache, then a need. I wanted to know who I was and where I came from for MY sake (Oh, be careful of what you wish for, little girl...). I decided to start searching after my second pregnancy.

In the state where I was born, at the time of my search, the records were sealed and only a court-approved private investigator was allowed to petition the court to open them and release them to the adoptee. That may have changed now. I certainly hope so. My history, my personal beeswax, was known by the investigator before it was known by me. Seems a little screwy to me the way adoptees are treated as if their own life is none of their business, but whatever. I digress. We paid the investigator a ridiculous amount of money to gain access to my own life, and she went to work.

I called my parents to let them know I was searching, out of respect. They had a right to know. Plus, it was an exciting and scary time and I wanted their support. My mom burst into tears. She was hurt and mad. It was so difficult to know I had broken her heart. I felt like I was the most selfish, disgusting scum on earth, and at the same time was indignant over feeling that way. I felt very lonely and afraid all of a sudden not to have the support I had hoped for, but still I understood her feelings. And I had Darrell. Thank God. He was a rock during that time.

It didn't take the investigator long to starting collecting information. Too bad the initial info was incorrect. She soon called me and coldly read the non-identifying "facts" surrounding my conception, birth and adoption as if reading a weather report. The very first piece of information I was given was that I was born to a married couple with two children. My mind was racing and I crumbled inside, as the P.I. kept right on talking (So then, she means this wasn't a matter of "having to give me up?" They had other kids and just... Didn't. Want. Me.). This new detail did not fit the mental ideal I'd cooked up for myself (with a little help from the good folks at Catholic Charities); that my birth mother was young and single and scared and "had no other choice." She would have kept me if she could, but she had no choice. I was a wanted child, but her circumstances determined that she had... Blah, blah, blah. It was all a bunch of lies. Lies I'd been telling myself all my life to feel better about her and what she did; trying to understand. Trying to justify. Trying to insulate myself from feeling rejected. Ever feel completely worthless and unwanted, like trash to be thrown away? I sure did that day. It was the first major "heartbreak moment," in what would unfortunately become a semi-regular series of them over the next few years. This minor blunder was later clarified when the P.I. made contact with the bio mother and learned her husband was not my bio father, but for the first few days I was a zombie. Wait. Do Zombies bust out crying while cooking dinner, or driving their cars? I called Darrell at work to tell him right after I finished talking to the investigator and I absolutely, totally lost it. I felt like I'd just been punched in the gut and kicked in the teeth after being run over by a truck. I didn't know at the time that that would become a very familiar feeling. It took me a long time to get past that feeling. At least I think I'm past it.

The P.I. said the next step was to write a letter to my birth parents, explaining why I'd like to meet them. Keep in mind, at this time, I still believed I was writing to my two married parents. It felt like grovelling to me. Begging. It felt like I was being asked to advertise or promote myself; make myself sound worthy enough to meet the people who gave me "the gift of life." I was supposed to make it clear that I didn't blame or judge them, I just wanted to meet them. What I really felt like saying was... Well, we'll just save that part for another post. Anyway, the letter writing process was very humiliating and difficult. There were countless drafts, and probably even more moments of wondering if I should just stop this whole thing right then and there. Just forget it. But how could I do that by that point?

The time came to get to the particulars... Do we meet, or do we not? Everything was still being mediated by the P.I. I couldn't be given any names or contact info. until all the parties gave consent. But there was a glitch. My birth mother was open to it, but her former husband was not. The problem? He was listed as my father on my original birth certificate. It was only at this time I found out he really wasn't. But still, because his name was on the certificate, he had to give permission for a meeting to take place between the bio mother and me, even though they were divorced and he wasn't my bio father. I was told he feared I may be after his money. He didn't want to be legally obligated in any way to a kid (kid, trash, whatever) that wasn't his. Understandable enough, I guess. The investigator pleaded with him on my behalf and assured him I wanted nothing from him and would leave him alone if he would just please, please be kind enough to allow me to meet my birth mother. I had to sign some legal thing, drafted especially for the occasion, promising to never try to contact him in any way or claim him as my dad (Gee, what a loss). More grovelling. More humiliation.

He agreed and I got the contact information for my birth mother. I called her that same night, which was by far the scariest phone call I've ever made. The P.I. assured me she was sitting at home waiting for my call, but she didn't know who I was for a few minutes after I called. Awkward moment. We met a few weeks later, I think.

I can't tell you how odd it is to stare into a stranger's face and see your own features. It was exciting and scary and emotional. And weird. I met my half siblings and their families, although not all in that same night. Everyone was nice. I remember wondering if they were all horribly disappointed in me, or wishing I'd just disappear (again). The first meetings went OK and we planned future get-togethers. The future get-togethers gradually grew further and further apart over the years. There's not much interaction anymore. My birth mother and I exchange emails occasionally, and see each other maybe once every year or two. I don't have much contact with the half-sibs or other family members and don't know them very well, although they've always been nice to me when I do see them.

It's an odd and difficult thing, for all involved, to meet close blood relatives for the first time in adulthood. There's no etiquette or rule book for handling that kind of thing. The truth is, there's just no way to replace or fake the bond that can only come from knowing someone all your life. You can't fast-track a history together. You're related, but you're strangers. You have things in common, yet you're completely different.

So, there you have it. There's the story. The "Short Version!" lol! Whaddya think?

A natural question is, "Did you find what you hoped to find?" That depends. What was I hoping to find? lol! I still don't know. I guess the answer is basically a "No." I did get half of a medical history, which was my original goal, so I guess it was halfway successful then? When I started looking, I wasn't completely aware of all the hidden expectations and hopes I had tucked away inside.

The whole experience has truly been the proverbial Pandora's Box. There have definitely been some blessings here and there, but it also caused waaay more pain than I was prepared to handle. Pain that affected others around me, yet can never be fully understood by those closest to me. It's been draining, exhausting, and at times, tormenting. However, I still believe every adoptee has the right to know where they come from. Nobody should have to wonder about their own identity and history.

If you're considering a search of your own, for yourself or on behalf of your child, I would just caution you first to do a lot of self-searching before you begin. Make sure you're being completely honest with yourself about your reasons for wanting to search, and take lots of time to consider your own hidden expectations. Sort the fantasies from the realities. Carefully and deliberately consider all possible outcomes. What would be your worst-case scenario, and are you prepared to handle it if that or something worse happens? How good are you at dealing with rejection? Are you considering the impact on your other relationships? What are the long-term ramifications, and are you really prepared for those? It sounds stupid, but you need to remember you can't go back and unlearn something once you learn it. Be sure. Be very, very sure. And don't assume or expect anything (Easier said than done!). Just my two cents. And always keep a litter bag in your car... OK- That one was thrown in just to see if you're still listening.

To those of you who asked me about this stuff, I hope I gave you the info you were hoping for. If not, and there's something you'd like to know- just ask me. I'll either answer you or I won't! HA! I may prefer to answer in a personal email, but I'll probably answer. If there's an interest in this, I may do another post about it. Let me know what you as a parent feel would be helpful to hear from me as an adoptee (if anything), and I'll see what I can do. And as always, if you want to comment or discuss, great!

FAQs: Questions NOT To Ask An Adoptive Parent

I promise you we have been asked each and every one of these; some more often than others. Most of the time we answer politely, then have a good laugh. But sometimes... Well, some of these make us want to SCREAM!

Are you guys trying to be like Angelina?
Excuse me; I just vomited in my mouth a little. International adoption may be the latest trend in Hollywood, but we are not caught up in being trendy (unless we’re talking about shoes. I do enjoy my shoes).

Why don’t you adopt kids right here in the U.S.?
This is the “we should take care of our own first” argument, and yes, there are many children here, as well as throughout the world, in need of loving homes and "forever families." God has led our hearts to adopt internationally. If He’s given you a passion for children here in the States, I would encourage you to act on those feelings. Look into foster parenting and/or domestic adoption. I think that’s great and wish you the best. This question is very similar to the popular, "How come you didn't want to get an American kid?" My only response to this is that each of my children are U.S. citizens, which makes them Americans.

How much did your adoption cost?
Unless you are a very close friend or family member, please don't ask this. And if you are, we'll probably offer the information anyway. Personal financial questions of any sort are rarely appropriate and often make people uncomfortable. How much do you make a year? How much was your car? What kind of house payment can you afford? Most people who know not to ask those questions, still think nothing of asking about our adoption expenses. Let's just say parenting is expensive- whether by giving birth or through adoption- and be content to leave it at that. Adoptive families are usually not wealthy people and often struggle to afford it.

Aren't you too OLD to consider having a (another) child?
Youth is no guarantee of long life and the numbers 40, 50, or above, are not tantamount to imminent death. People die unexpectedly every day, young and old alike, and everyone should have a plan in place for the care of their children, regardless of age. If you’re able to love and care for a child, you can be a parent. If someone asks you this, you can always respond with, "Aren't you too old to be asking such personal questions?" ;D

Shouldn’t you just be happy with having your “OWN” kids?
Each child is our own. There is no difference between biological and adopted. This question implies that the only reason to adopt is if a couple is infertile. It also suggests that people who have been blessed with biological children should not also have a right to adopt, as if the adopted kids should be “set aside” for infertile couples only. Finally, it implies that a parent’s love either is or should be stronger for a biological child. This is insulting to both the parent and the child. For more on this topic, see this post.

Does your child notice that she’s (he’s) different?
There’s no such thing as a stupid question, right? Ummm…. Wrong. I’m sorry, but this question is just plain dopey. I don't even understand where this comes from. OF COURSE my child notices our differences. She knows she’s Chinese, and we are not. And yes, she notices other Asian people and can recognize the similarities. She also notices the constant staring, pointing, and whispering when we are out in public. And incidentally, my other children notice it, too. They notice every time someone fawns and fusses over their sister and goes on and on about how “cute” and “adorable” she is. My other kids are cute and adorable, too.

Don’t you think you’ve had enough kids?
Obviously not, since we’re having another. What this question is really saying is, “*I* think you’ve had enough/too many kids.” If seven children are too many for you, don’t have seven children ;). Our kids are all healthy, happy people, and their needs are being met. We do not rely on government assistance, nor do we ask for handouts from family and friends. Each one of my children is a unique treasure from God, and I cannot imagine what my life would have been without any one of them.

Are you doing this to “save” a child?
I cannot save souls; that’s God’s job. We have no other agenda than to love a child. And if we can provide a home and family to a child who would otherwise not have one, great. International adoption does not necessarily “rescue” a child from a horrible life. It solves some problems, but can also create others.

How will you afford ANOTHER kid?
We won’t. God will. God is our provider. Always has been, always will be, and He’s done a pretty good job so far. If you are asking out of love and concern for us- we appreciate it, but there’s no need to worry; we’ll be fine. If you’re not asking out of love and concern, then I have a question for you. If we aren’t asking you personally for money, why should this be your problem?

Does your kid speak Chinese?
Hee hee... Does yours? : ) Sorry, I don't mean to be nasty. This one is just kind of funny to me. She's been here most of her life and speaks just like the rest of us- she even has a little hick accent goin' on. Language is learned. Period. It is not encoded into one's DNA, like eye color, or a love for chocolate (Do not attempt to argue with me on this. I happen to know for a fact that chocolate addiction is a genetic trait. It has to be.) She speaks a few words and phrases she's learned from the Chinese DVDs we buy her. I would love it if she becomes fluent one day. I would like to become fluent myself, but Chinese is a difficult language to learn.

Do you think she will ever want to find her real parents?/Do you know anything about her real parents?
These are not stupid questions at all, but they are poorly worded and deeply personal- too personal for casual conversation. My daughter lives with her real parents- Darrell and I! I promise we are both REAL people. She also has real birth parents. If it is ever an option for her to search for and/or meet them, we will support whatever choice she makes and help her in every way we can. Everyone has a right to know where they come from. But that will be her choice AND her business.