Speaking of rules... We're making a new one. I have a problem that we need to address and correct today. I've kept quiet about this as long as I can. Something horrible is happening.
It's Impordant. No, I didn't misspell the word. That's my problem. Impordant. People are saying it like that. Like there's a D in it. There's no D, guys. The word is 'imporTant,' with a T. There's no flipping D.
I've tried to be a good sport about it. I've listened to it for a long time without saying a word. But I've reached my limit.
At first, I thought it had to do with the region in which I live. I'm right here where Hicks and Rednecks begin to co-mingle and breed with Southerners (God help me), which creates an interesting potpourri of mispronunciations and a veritable Vortex of Grammatical Doom. I've told you many times, here in Cowcrap County, English is almost a second language. It's usually fun. You don't gotta talk good 'round here and ain't nobody gon' give a crap. See? Try it. You can call yourself bilingual!
Yeah, it's fun... For a while. Until someone ruins it with impordant... Although, they- these evildoers- usually say it like this: "ImPORdunt."
Today, this word is being added to my list of Things That Are Driving Me Crazy. The list includes, but is not limited to:
- The way Canadians say about and house (No offense to my Canadian friends. I love you. You just talk weird.)
The diatribes ofcertain Liberal Dems
- The phrase "I could care less," when you actually mean you couldn't care less
- The Hub
- The words irregardless, nucular, birfday, and now, impordant
Actually, it will probably rise to the top of that list because it's quite possibly going to usher in the cardiac event which ultimately leads to my demise, so I can honestly say it's killing me.
YES, it is that big of a deal. It's killing me, people. Well, that and the candy I had for breakfast. But, you get my point.
Along with the thought of (He Who Shall Not Be Named) spending another four years in the White House, this is the only other thing making me wonder if I'd like to try being euthanized. Well, that's not true. There are other things. My tendency toward gross exaggeration, for example. Nevertheless, I may ask a loyal volunteer to go all Colonel Mustard on me with a lead pipe in the conservatory. Or my kitchen... The shed out back... Whatever. Just put me out of my misery.
To recap: There is no D in imporTant. And we're all agreeing to make any necessary adjustments to our diction. Today. It's our new rule- we say Important with a big, ol' T. We did agree on that... Right, guys? I could have sworn we did.
Henceforth, I shall accept the following pronunciations:
- Important (obvs)
- Import'nt (I think my own redneck-infused pronunciation sounds like this, so it gets an auto-pass.)
- Importent (...although, if you are misspelling important as importent, someone should beat you with a bag of oranges.)
- Even Importint
At least with these, the consonants are being spoken correctly, and vowels are left to be enunciated as region and culture dictate. But we must maintain the consonants, people. If we monkey around with consonants, anarchy ensues... All hell breaks loose... The fabric of our civilization unravels, and we all die. Do you want that?
We are agreed, then. We are done with imporDant. We are saying important, with a T, from now until Jesus returns.
So it is written, so it shall be done. Amen. And thank you.