Facebook Status

For those of you who know me on Facebook, this post is a repeat.  You may want to skip it altogether...  Unless you'd like to start a juicy discussion in the comments!  ???  I'm so blessed to have an interesting mix of political and religious viewpoints among my blogging friends, so I'd love to hear your opinions about Richard Mourdock's recent comments regarding rape and pregnancy.  Here are mine (and this is the repetitive part; a copy of my most recent fb status): 

 

I'm struggling to understand all the fuss and fury over Richard Mourdock's comments. When you really look at what he said, and not what the Liberals are twisting his words to mean, how is it all that bad? How is it "demeaning to women?" I can see why his comments would ruffle the feathers of non-Believers who do not choose to acknowledge God's purpose in ANYTHING. I can see why it would offend the pro-abortionists who do not place value on ANY unborn child's life... But how does it demean a woman to say God created her child with a purpose?

I DO believe my birth was part of God's plan, and I'm not sorry for that. Am I happy my birth mother was raped so that I could be here? Of course not. Is God? Absolutely NOT! But... I DO believe I was "intended" by God to be here, and 'deserve' to be here just as surely as any 'planned' or 'wanted' child, conceived in a loving relationship. Thank God my birth mother thought so, too. She did not

(and emotionally could not) choose to parent me, and no one would fault her for that. But, instead of punishing me for the crime committed against her, she lovingly chose adoption. Should I have been aborted because some disgusting excuse of a human being committed a crime against her?

The sad thing is knowing that some of you are answering 'Yes.'

Despite the circumstances of my conception, I know God has a plan and purpose for my life (and I see that purpose every time I look into the beautiful faces of my own children). Isn't that all Mourdock is saying? God has a plan in all things, for all people? And that sentiment is somehow demeaning to women? He never said rape is God's plan for women. In fact, he said the opposite.
 

I believe in a God who exchanges beauty for ashes, and turns tragedies into blessings. If you don't, fine. But to viciously attack this man's assertion is to conversely suggest that God does NOT intend for babies conceived in rape to exist; that they are even more disposable, and THAT is demeaning to ME.

Thoughts, anyone?

JOH Banned in RMI

I'm passing along the following information, as it was posted on the RMI Yahoo group, just in case anyone who is in process with JOH (Journeys of the Heart- the agency we used) is reading this and has not yet been informed (apparently, JOH has yet to personally contact all RMI families with this information).  Please keep in mind that I have no idea what is going on, and cannot answer any questions.  If you already read this on the RMI board, then you know as much as I do.  I can only advise you to get your JOH coordinator on the phone ASAP.

(I inserted the link to LSSMN's website below, but their coordinator's contact info can also be found on the RMI list) 

My thoughts are with the families whose adoptions may now be in limbo.  I remember that horrible place all too well.  I pray that all will work out for the best...

"This message is from the RMI Central Adoption Authority:

The RMI Adoption program continues at full stride and is very healthy. However, Journeys of the Heart Adoption agency of Hillsboro, Oregon (JOH) has been banned while the CAA investigates various issues regarding JOH. Currently the Lutheran Social Service of Minnesota adoption agency (LSSMN) is approved, and has been approved for processing adoptions from the RMI.


The CAA will process to completion the 12 JOH dossiers that are in the Republic of the Marshall Islands now, but will not accept any more dossiers from JOH. Contrary to what was claimed on various authoritative websites, the Adoptions Act of 2002 (P.L. 2002-64) never named JOH as the only agency allowed to do adoptions in the RMI. The Adoptions Act of 2002 allows any state-licensed agency to approach the CAA. However, the CAA first conducts a due diligence investigation of the agency before accepting dossiers from them. LSSMN has passed that due diligence process and the CAA is accepting dossiers from them. The CAA may add more agencies, but in a very careful manner, to avoid unethical agencies from adopting from the RMI.


Again, let me stress that the Central Adoption Authority in the Republic of the Marshall Islands is strong and healthy and continues to operate."

Something to consider...

As we approach the holidays (and for those unmoved by the spirit of the season- the end of another tax year), we often look for ways to give to those in need.  We put our change in red buckets, manned by smiling bell-ringers outside the mall, after spending an obscene chunk on Christmas gifts for our family and friends.  We donate canned goods to local homeless shelters and food banks as we prepare to gorge ourselves on all sorts of holiday yumminess.   We give a little extra to a favorite charity, but only after we've made sure we have enough to cover the holiday budget.  We hear pitifully sad stories of people in need and living through heartbreaking circumstances and we say really goofy things like, "Boy...  Sure makes you thankful for what you have, huh?"  Or, "Stories like that make me want to hug my loved ones a little tighter."  Blah, blah, blah.

Or maybe that's just me...?

Any giving to others is good, of course- no matter how small it may be.  But how often, during this busy season, do we really- and I mean Really, do something that could change a life?  

For me, sadly, the answer would be "rarely to never."  How about you?  I'm sure you're not as pathetic as I am.  I must admit that at this time of year, my focus is primarily on my own family (not solely on my own family, but still...)...  to provide toys that no one really needs, to give cash to teenagers who will undoubtedly blow it on something stupid and quickly forgotten...  to fill stockings with unhealthy, cavity-inviting crap...  to spend, spend, spend on groceries for feasts and goodies for people who have never gone hungry a day in their lives...  Always, always trying to outdo myself and create the perfect Christmas.  Each year I vow that I will focus more on the true meaning of Christmas for myself and my children and also find more opportunities to give to others and share the blessings God has given to me.  And each year, I wind up being more like a bipolar Martha Stewart on crack than a Mother Teresa.

But I've been given something to think about today; a reason to change my self-focused, holiday ways that I'd like to share.  I'd like to encourage and challenge you to visit Mrs. Broccoli Guy's blog and read THIS POST... Please.  Then, consider what, if anything, you might be willing to do. 

Christina's post (which I trust you are leaving me soon to read, right???), while adoption-related, will touch your heart and make you think, regardless of your ties to adoption.   If it doesn't, you must be made of stone (no offense).  Please, please read it...  All the way to the end- no skimming, people!  There is a website listed at the end of her post where donations can be made.

(Before I go, let me point out that I have intentionally not jumped upon my adoption soapbox for this post, although I very easily could have.  Talk of foreign countries and their adoption laws, the plight of orphaned children, adoption reform, etc.- those topics would bore lose a few of you, yes?  So I chose the holiday angle instead, preying upon your holiday spirit of generosity, hoping to appeal to those of you who may not share the same level of interest in adoption and children in need of families as I have (not to suggest that you do not care about adoption or children in need- I only mean to say we are each moved by different causes, and yours may be different than mine).   At least I'm honest about trying to manipulate you into doing what I want you to do.  That's worth something, isn't it?)

I hope I didn't just do something stupid

I ordered a gift for Sam's birthmom. It's personalized, which makes it non-returnable- obviously- and I'm already questioning my choice. It's a necklace with a sterling silver heart that looks like this except that it won't have that baby's face on it. I don't know that kid. That is a sample baby. It will have Sam's face (from his referral photo) laser engraved on one side and a message from us engraved on the other. The message says that she "will always remain in our hearts and be a part of our family- With love and gratitude from Michelle and Darrell."

Golly, Michelle, would you like a little wine with your huge wheel of cheese? "With love and gratitude"... Gyaaawwwsh... Is that not the dopiest, cheesiest thing to say?

Gratitude? Like, "Oh, yeah, thanks for that baby there, sweetheart. Real nice of you." The word gratitude doesn't quite cut it, does it? I mean, how do you convey to someone- in a one inch space and 130 characters- the range of emotions you feel; how your heart is breaking for her over the pain this has to be causing her, how you've cried over knowing that the source of your blessing and joy is also the source of her sorrow, but gee- you're oh so happy to be getting her baby? How do you tell her that since you already love her baby as your own, you also love her- because, after all, how could you not? She's a part of him- and gosh, you sure hope she'll feel the same way about you? How do you say to someone, "I'm desperate to earn your approval," without sounding... well... desperate?

How do you make her understand that it's going to rip your heart out to take that baby from her arms, but you can hardly wait to do it?

One inch of space and 130 characters is not enough.

Cripes. I'm freaking out here, aren't I? I'm over-thinking it... just a tiny bit? Feelin' a little crazy- and not in the fun way. Oh well, I'm already knee-deep in the insanity- might as well keep going...

Was it a mistake to be so personal? Maybe something more "generic" would have been better. Maybe she doesn't want to be "a part of our family, blah.blah.blah..." Maybe she will resent us. Was it a mistake to put the baby's face on it? Will that just be a constant reminder of what's missing in her life? I was trying to do something that would have a special meaning for her, but was I being insensitive instead? She's giving me a baby and I'm giving her... What? A sterling silver piece of crap? What kind of pathetic trade is that?

So... Tell me, dear friends and strangers- am I an idiot? Did I pick a cruddy gift? Or am I just suffering a little buyer's remorse (albeit accompanied by an itty bitty nervous breakdown) over the necklace because I can't change my mind and return or exchange it?

You would tell me, wouldn't you, if I'm a huge moron?

Actually, I'd rather you didn't.

A Must Read

Christina has written a post over at VVAI, titled "Not in My Adoption" ...What Price Ignorance? that I hope you will all take time to read. I can hear a few excuses starting right now. You don't have time... It only takes a minute. You didn't adopt from Vietnam... So?

I don't care if you didn't adopt from Vietnam, or if your adoption is completed or any other reason you can come up with to decide that this doesn't "apply to you." Corruption in adoption continues to exist because we all tell ourselves it doesn't apply to us... and we do nothing. We say nothing. We satisfy ourselves by saying "Not in my adoption."

I apologize for getting a little preachy here, but if you are a Christian, you should care about this. If you are a parent, you should care. If you claim to be a socially conscious person with concerns about what's going on in the world around you, you should care. Have I left anyone out? If so, whoever you are, you should care. Especially, if you are involved in any way in the adoption community- If you love a child who has been adopted, if you love someone who wants to adopt, even if you are just beginning to consider adoption as a possibility someday... You should most definitely care. This post is a must read.

Chris, you did an excellent job on this, by the way. Thank you for the time and effort you put into this.

This is how it should be done!

I'm sure many of you in the adoption community already read and love Tracy's blog. For the few who may not, you really need to click over to "My Minivan Rocks!" and read the last three posts, "Meeting Colin's Birth Mom"- Parts One, Two, and Three.

As an adoptee, it blesses my heart so much to hear stories like theirs. This is such a good example of an adoption done "right." Even though I don't personally know Tracy and Christian, I found myself feeling proud of them for the way they chose to respond to their son's birth mother and was very touched by their story. Go read it!

Response From Member of Congress

I received the following email Wed. afternoon from Nancy Boyda, one of the members of Congress I contacted regarding A Child’s Right Campaign for Vietnam. I'm sure some of you got something similar, but I thought I'd share it for those who aren't directly involved in all of this and still don't fully understand what's going on.

Thank you for taking the time to contact my office about the situation of adoption in Vietnam. I believe that all children have the right to live with a family that loves and supports them, and I am taking action to make sure that we can make this a reality.

Because of the implementation of the Hague Convention on Intercountry Adoption, we are beginning to see changes around the world in international adoption policies. Currently, the Vietnamese government and some adoption agencies within Vietnam are not on track to comply with the Hague standards. As I am sure you are aware, Secretary Condoleezza Rice has justified her reluctance to extend a Memorandum of Understanding (MOU) with the government of Vietnam about adoption because of their inability to create a Hague-Compliant system.

Secretary Rice's refusal to sign an extension of our current MOU with Vietnam, which is set to expire on September 1, 2008, would create serious problems for those trying to adopt children from Vietnam. Contrary to Secretary Rice's belief, there are countless legitimate and ethical adoption agencies within Vietnam and if she does not renew our current MOU with Vietnam, many Vietnamese children will not be able to join loving families in the U.S. Further, I have heard heartbreaking stories from Kansans who want to adopt and provide children with a loving home, but are being prevented from moving forward - this is both a financial and emotional burden for them.

As a member of the Congressional Coalition on Adoption, I am committed to working towards a solution. I have joined with my colleagues in sending a letter to Secretary Rice urging her to support an extension of our MOU with Vietnam. I believe that intercountry adoptions must meet the highest standards, like those put forth by the Hague Convention. We must also find a temporary compromise that honors the original intent of the Hague standards - to make sure that all children can grow up in a loving environment.

I've enclosed below the text of the letter that will be sent to Secretary Rice and I am hopeful that she will move forward on this path. If you are experiencing problems with the adoption process, you can contact my office in Topeka (785.234.8111) to receive assistance.

Thank you again for taking the time to make your voice heard about this important issue. Please do not hesitate to keep in contact with me about this or any other issue.

Sincerely,

Nancy Boyda
Member of Congress


The letter she's referring to, that's being sent to Sec. Rice, can be seen here, complete with all the signatures. It's on the JCICS website. Check to see if your Senators and Congressmen (women, persons, whatever) signed it. I was happy to see the signatures of each of the people I contacted (yeah, like it was my personal influence alone that did it). Please pray this letter has a positive impact and brings about a miracle. There's still time to turn things around!! Keep hoping!

It Gets Worse... Mike Seate's response to complaints about his article.

Since some of you left comments telling me you'd written to Mike Seate (and thank you for that, BTW!!!), the writer of the article about Asian kids being nothing more than fashion statements (Sunday's post), I thought I'd let you know that he has a blog. Here it is: http://www.pittsburghlive.com/x/pittsburghtrib/blogs/hotseate/

He's getting letters from offended APs (and posting snippets from them on his blog), but is he apologetic for the horribly mean and ignorant things he said about APs and their Asian kids? Nope. Is he intelligent enough or humble enough to consider there may be another slant to this topic besides his own? Not even close. He's sticking to his crazya** comments, and even expounding upon them, much to my disgust. His most recent post is on a new subject, so he may be trying move on, but his last 3 posts before it are all on the fallout from his stupid article.

Here's a craptastic sample of what you'll find there:
"Most claim that their choice of Asian kids -- which require tens of thousands in bribes to be paid to Chinese officials unlike orphaned black kids right here and plentiful in every American state -- had nothing to do with racism. But I had to laugh at how many of the letters... claim that most or all black children suffer from drug and alcohol issues or at least their parents did. People -- where's the love?"

WHERE'S THE LOVE? Are you flippin' kidding me?

I'm searching for words...

Here's a few- Magnificent Moron. Obnoxious Lunkhead. Incompetent Dolt. Obtuse Swine. Inconsiderate Jerk. Rude Dumba**. Uh-oh... God help me.

I don't want to throw the baby out with the bath water, and say that he doesn't have any valid points, because he does. As it was pointed out in my comments the other day, there is a certain trendiness involved in adoption as far as celebrities and Hollywood are concerned. I think most of us recognize that, and I for one have to vomit in my mouth every time I hear some famous idiot talking about their desire to adopt someday because they want to "give back" (usually after they have their own kids first). And I'm always thinking, "Geez! I'd be happy if you'd just give back the ten bucks I wasted on your stupid movie!"

But... the average Joe Blow AP is not a celebrity and doesn't give a diddly flip about being trendy when it comes to something as important as adopting a child, and unfortunately Mr. Seate's remarks are not limited to Hollywood- he's talking about us.

I'm also not so naive that I can't recognize the existence of racism in adoption. I hope you guys realize that, from other things I've posted recently on that topic. Of course it's true there are people who would not even consider adopting a black child. But Seate is trying to take the extremely complicated and personal decision of choosing the country one will adopt from and boil it down to one issue: RACE. Any AP reading this knows it's nowhere near that simple. Some of us struggle, no- agonize, over what country to choose for a myriad of reasons, then if something goes awry like it has with Vietnam, we struggle and agonize again trying to find our Plan B. There are also those of us who don't struggle at all- our hearts are immediately drawn to a certain place and we just Know that's where our child is. It's insulting and ridiculous to suggest that all the thought and planning, and personal reasons that go into these decisions are due to one thing, and one thing only: We are all racists, just trying to avoid the plethora of available black kids right here at home.

Someone I know has mentioned a time or two that I take things way too personally and allow things to affect me way too deeply. I really need to work on that, because reading this guy's opinions is about to make me have a coronary. I guess if the idiotic Mr. Seate is trying to move on, I should let him and I need to move on, too. But, boy oh boy, he sure ticked me off.

There is a Far Side cartoon that goes perfectly with this. I would have posted it, but I don't think I'm allowed to do that (copyright crap, and whatnot). It shows God standing in his kitchen, wearing a chef's hat. In front of him is a big mixing bowl with Earth inside. On the shelf and counter are all kinds of ingredients- insects, reptiles, trees... You see jars that are labeled "Medium Skinned People," "Light Skinned People", and "Dark Skinned People." God's thought bubble reads, "And just to make it interesting..." as He sprinkles onto the earth from a jar labeled "Jerks." Of course it would be funnier if you were actually looking at it, but anyway... I'd like to thank Mike Seate for being the ingredient that has made this past week more interesting!!!

I didn't realize my daughter was a "fashion statement!"

How's this for clueless, ridiculous and infuriating? Does anyone else want to help me set this idiot straight? His contact info is at the bottom of the article, and the title below links to the paper's website.

Adopting Asian kids becoming latest fad

TRIBUNE-REVIEW
Thursday, June 19, 2008

Though I may not be ready for sainthood, I am owed some accolades for having sat through not one, but two, chick flicks with my wife in as many weekends.
Few experiences are as emasculating and downright testosterone-sapping as viewing films made exclusively for and marketed toward the female gender.
Their plot lines are centered almost entirely around emoting and the dashed expectations of true love. I often find myself enduring their 120-plus minutes by thinking, "Boy, she's going to watch six World Superbike races and a whole season of 'Tank Overhaul' for this one!"
Although I spent most of my sentence, I mean time, during this all-estrogen double feature counting lint balls in my pockets and fishing for popcorn caught between my bicuspids and gums, something in both these otherwise interminable films did manage to pierce my thick fog of indifference.
In "Then She Found Me," Helen Hunt portrays a neurotic mess of a woman who screws up every relationship in her life and can't tell good men from rotten ones. Unable to conceive a child naturally, Hunt's character decides to reward herself with something guaranteed to make her character and the audience smile: a Chinese baby girl.
The film ends with long, lingering shots of the kid's smiling face, and half the women around us were fighting back tears. I was, too, but mine were because I'd never recover those lost two hours of my life.
One week later, I suffered through an afternoon screening of the glitzy handbag commercial cleverly disguised as a major motion picture known as "Sex and the City." In that one, Charlotte, one member of the quartet of ditzy, clothes-obsessed main characters, couldn't conceive a child naturally.
The solution? She adopts one of those adorable Chinese babies you've heard so much about -- forcing viewers to spend much of the next 90 minutes of film watching these four screwed-up women as they screw up some kid who would be better off in a rice paddy 7,000 miles from any of them.
Call me cynical, but since when did Asian children become "must have" fashion accessories for upper middle-class Americans?
Along with Calloway golf clubs and season tickets to football games, paying $30,000 to $40,000 to adopt an exotic baby is suddenly viewed as the most chic purchase this side of a pair of Manolo Blahnik pumps.
Never mind that thousands of babies of other races -- most of them black -- go without foster homes and adoptions here and elsewhere in this country every year. It doesn't cost tens of thousands of dollars to adopt a black, Latino or mixed-race child.
But for some reason, even Hollywood is marketing Asian babies as somehow superior and more desirable.
That's a shame. Because if people really wanted to adopt children because of a desire to become parents, they'd just adopt babies, not fashion statements.
Mike Seate can be reached at mseate@tribweb.com or 724-320-7845.
Pittsburgh Tribune-Review
Letters to the Editor
Pittsburgh Tribune-Review
D.L. Clark Bldg.,
503 Martindale St., 3rd Floor
Pittsburgh, PA 15212
E-Mail address:
opinion@tribweb.com
Fax number:
412-320-7965

I Don't Know What to Call This Post

How's that for a title? This post is a little rambly and I couldn't decide on a title that summed it up well. I changed it several times, and still didn't like it, so I went with this.

Update: Just in case you don't read the comments for this post, Possum has written a response to this on her blog. While I must be honest and say I do not feel it is a completely accurate interpretation of my thoughts, I wanted to give you both "sides" (although I don't actually think this is a matter of taking sides- it's just a different view. I do agree with several things she says). I felt it would be most fair to link directly to her post instead of just telling you about it. I wanted you to hear what she thinks, instead of just my version of what she said, both out of respect to her and to allow you to get the full gist of her perspective without it possibly being misinterpreted or judged by me. You can read her thoughts on this post here. Thank you, Possum, for your thoughts.

To begin with... I wanted to direct your attention to a blog called Possum's Place , and specifically to the post called The ONLY Way Adoption Should Be, written Mon., June 9th. Awesome post. I loved it, agreed with it wholeheartedly (and I rarely agree with anyone even halfheartedly), and think everyone on earth should read it. There. How was that for an endorsement? A little over the top, maybe? I'm just trying to convey that it's a good, worthwhile read. Go read it. But go after you're done here, because I'm getting ready to say something else. So wait just a darn minute. Geez. Ready to jump ship pretty quick, aren't ya?

As an adoptee, I find it very difficult at times to talk about my adoption-related feelings, especially on this blog. I'm sometimes a little jealous of "Adoptee Bloggers" (like Possum and others, whose blogs offer a view into their thoughts and feelings).

For one: (and I've said this before) Members from all the various factions of my life read this blog, which makes naked, brutal honesty difficult. Oh, how I would love to just let my guts spill all over this blog someday- lol; I could really give you an earful on a lot of different things, not just adoption; get everything off my chest, but... I won't. And several of my family members probably just breathed a huge sigh of relief. A few of my favorite bloggers have recently taken up the practice of protecting certain posts, or even starting a separate protected blog altogether, to allow them to be more open with their readers on certain topics. I can understand why. There are things you may feel like you want or even need to say, but can't when you know certain people are reading. So we remain guarded and only show a portion of our true selves and our lives to the world. Probably as it should be. Honesty can be a dangerous thing! My personal problem with starting a protected blog would be the guilt I'd feel over denying someone the password. If I refuse to give it out to someone, they will know I'm talking about them- Ha! I'd end up giving it to everyone, so as not to hurt any feelings, and I'd wind up in the same boat I'm in right now- guarded.

Two: At 41 years of age, I am still struggling with a schizophrenic mixed bag of feelings regarding my adoption and all parties involved. I could carve my thoughts into stone today by putting them out here to publicly float forever, but tomorrow I may will feel just the opposite and regret ever saying anything at all. I have talked about my adoption facts and feelings a little bit on this blog, and if you missed it, you can find those posts here, and here. I'm sure there are a few others if you're willing to dig, but who has time for that? I'm not that interesting, anyway.

I also struggle with listening to others talk about their own adoption experiences. I don't always agree with everything other adoptees say for one thing, but it's more than that. Disagreement wouldn't be a big enough reason to keep me away from a blog- in fact, that's part of what makes reading blogs interesting, isn't it? Exposing yourself to new and different views, seeing things in a different light, etc... But I think my problem, at least partly, is I have a hard time processing the words and writings of other adult adoptees and birth parents without it affecting me in a very deep, personal way. I get "upset." I do not read any birth parent blogs (and I'm sorry if I offend with my chosen terms here, but I just don't like the term "first parents." I don't care if it's the new, improved lingo. I say "birth" or "bio."). And I don't read many adoptee blogs. I have a few favorites that I feel are excellent, well-balanced and articulate blogs, but just a few.

And while we're on this subject, may I stop for just a moment to caution you guys about reading adoptee and birth parent blogs? I don't even have one certain blog in mind as I say this, so please don't think I'm picking on your favorite blogger. And I would never advise you to stick your head in the sand and avoid reading blogs that may make you uncomfortable (as I do- hee, hee). My own hang-ups aside, I think it is so, so important for us as adoptive parents to listen to what adoptees and birth parents have to say. I applaud any effort an adoptive parent makes to better connect with their kids' feelings and needs, and I think it's just good, healthy parenting to seek the wisdom and advice of those who have the inside view. We can learn so much from their unique perspectives. HOWEVER... Adoptees are not all the same. Of course you know that. While they do often share a lot of similar feelings, they are not all the same. Some are just plain hateful and P*$$ED at everyone and want the whole world to know it. Some have a good reason to be angry, of course, but just like any other group of people- you will have the ranting ones, the chronic complainers, the drama queens, the glass-is-way-too-freakin'-empty types, thrown in with sound, reasonable types, upbeat, hopeful types, helpful types, plain ole normal, nice but boring types, and nauseatingly cheerful, optimistic types. And a few deep-in-denial types . Then there are the ones who are just hateful to the point of being downright scary. Shocking, scathing, or emotional rants and horror stories make for interesting, titillating reading, but it's not necessarily what we should be immersed in. And while these stories can seem plentiful compared to the "good, nice" stories, these types of perspectives are not necessarily the norm (whatever that is), or the majority. Think about it... if you are "normal," happy, and well-adjusted, how often do you talk about it? How much time do you spend thinking (or blogging), "Boy, I feel so normal, happy, and well-adjusted"? Those would be some boring blogs to read, but those kinds of adoptees are out there, too. They may just not feel the need to write about it. It is possible to grow up adopted and happy. I'm not sure how many of us, adopted or not, feel "normal," but it is possible for adoptees to feel emotionally whole, and mentally healthy. We do not all turn out to be hateful ranters who blog about our horrible parents and childhoods! Listening to a steady stream of the negative stuff is not healthy for an AP, nor is it conducive or necessary for good parenting. It's conducive to fearful, insecure parenting- being sure you will screw your kid up, too. lol. As parents, we need to be informed and educated, not frightened and criticized. As with all things in life: There has to be balance. Just be careful of what you read and buy into, is all I'm saying.

As far as keeping my own head in the sand, I am interested in adoptees' stories and points of view. Really, I am. But they sometimes make me feel things I don't want to feel and think about things I don't want to think about. In my own life, I feel that many of my adoption-related issues will never and can never be fully resolved. I've tried to resolve them, but I'm of the opinion that if more than one person is involved in an issue, it takes more than one person to resolve it. When both sides cannot work together to talk, and listen to each other, and arrive at some type of mutual understanding to "fix" the issue, it's just left there hanging. I don't like that feeling of stuff left hanging. I'm definitely a "closure" kind of girl. When you try to talk to someone and they don't or won't hear you, or can only focus on their own defenses and perspectives, and there's no resolution or sense of closure at the end, you wind up feeling even yuckier than you did before you tried to work it out. So... I keep my unresolved issues hidden under the rug, where I don't have to see them very often. When I'm faced with others talking about their own stories, it lifts the rug, so to speak, and again, I get "upset" (and, again, the word Denial leaps to mind). I often feel uncomfortable about the level of anger involved in the sentiments of other adoptees, even though I sometimes share it. On the other hand, I can start to feel almost squeamish if they have a warm fuzzy attitude toward all the parties involved in their own adoption triads, but wish at the same time that I could consistently feel that way, too. In other words, **I'm screwed up. And I find it's easier to enjoy being screwed up when one isn't constantly bombarded with reminders of one's screwed-up state all the time.

(Before I get any *mean, judgmental comments about how I have no business being an adoptive parent if I'm so messed up about it myself, I'll add a disclaimer:
**Of course, I want to nurture the healthiest attitude possible towards adoption for the sake of my child, and I do feel that my efforts to create a healthy adoptive environment for her have helped me to confront, deal with, and heal a lot of my own icky stuff. Having the blessing of her in my life forces me to remove my head from the sand and face my own issues because- OF COURSE- I do not want her to be screwed up, too, and I do not believe she has to be. I try as much as I can to keep my denial and craziness about my own adoption separate from her adoption. And in most ways, they truly are. I hope, pray, and really do believe that in some ways, my screwed-up-ness can help me be a better adoptive parent to my daughter by helping me to avoid, or at least successfully navigate through, some of the pitfalls APs can fall into, and by having a true personal understanding of some of the painful isolation and mixed feelings an adoptee can experience.

Second disclaimer, to counteract the negativity of the first disclaimer:
*Of course, I do not think any of my regular readers would leave me mean, judgmental comments. I did not mean you. I meant someone else.)

Racial Hierarchy

I'm a little slow... Anne has already pointed this out, but just in case you don't read her blog, there is an excellent post up right now over at Anti-Racist Parent called Race Preference in Adoption. Please take time to click on over and read it! It ties in well with a point I was trying to make in this post about the hierarchy of racism that exists right under our noses, although we may not always be consciously aware of it.

I'll check y'all after the wedding. Be thinking of me on Friday and send your prayers my way. I need them more than I can say. They may just keep me from becoming a raging alcoholic by about 3:00 Friday afternoon... Never underestimate the power of prayer.

Have a great week and weekend.

Thoughts on Race

For those of you interested in matters of race, especially as it relates to adoption...

Here's an interesting MSNBC video: Multiracial in America, featuring different types of families around the country- not adoption related, but still good.

Also, I saw this article yesterday from CNN.com (Do whites need training before parenting black children?) and it caught my eye because, as most of you know, we have been considering both Ethiopia and domestic African American adoption as alternatives to Vietnam. I think I was telling you in a previous post that we do have some serious concerns over how a black child would be accepted and treated in our small, not-at-all-diverse, Midwestern community (and, unfortunately, even by a few family members). Add that to the lack of resources/support available locally, and we worry that this path would not be the best fit for our family. More accurately, it may not be the best fit for the child.

It really is interesting (and unsettling) to consider the varying levels of racism that exist in this country. There seems to be this Racism Hierarchy that we are all aware of, but don't openly discuss. I was talking about all this recently with a woman I know. As I shared about my conflicted feelings on adopting a black child, and why I didn't have the exact same concerns when we were adopting Bri, her response was very telling.

She said, "Yes, but Brianna is still close enough to being white so you don't have to worry about that stuff with her. I don't think of Chinese as being really different from white... Do you?"

Close enough to being white...

Just for the record, being Chinese (or Asian) is not the same as being white. I know this because any government form I fill out tells me so. There is a separate box to check, so I'm fairly sure of my facts on this one. Ask any Asian person if they consider themselves to be "White."

And, may I go down a separate rabbit trail for just a second to say something about the use of the word "Asian?" If you do not know the exact ethnic background of an Asian individual, just say "Asian." Do not call them all Chinese. They are not all Chinese (and if you are sitting there thinking, "Same difference," then you are exactly the person to whom I am directing these remarks). Chinese and Asian are not interchangeable terms. I actually had to explain this to an adult once, who still seemed confused afterwards. Also, please erase the "O" word from your vocabulary. "Oriental" is an outdated term that is equally unappreciated. While it may have been considered acceptable in the past, now... not so much. It is antiquated at best, and perceived by many to be offensive and derogatory, even when you say it with the most innocent of intentions.

Okay. Back on track. As I've said before, some of the same people who fuss over my "adorable" Chinese daughter, would probably have horrible things to say about my black son- possibly behind our backs, and possibly not. Some of the same families who would allow their white sons to take my daughter to Prom, would throw a fit to see my black son on their doorstep waiting to escort their white daughters to the same dance. It's sad and disgusting, but it's true. And to choose not to acknowledge that, to pretend those problems don't exist, or to assume we could handle it and make everything "OK" for our child, to blindly jump into bringing a black child into our family just because we have no problem with it personally, feels like a selfish (and foolish?) choice that would affect my child's whole life.

My Chinese daughter faces racism in our community, too. She just doesn't know it yet, because it's "Nice Racism." She doesn't know that when someone asks if she's "a hard little worker," really smart, or if she's especially good at math/music (yes, that really happens), she is experiencing racism (For the record, she is not a hard worker, and even tends to cry when she has to do chores by herself. She is of normal intelligence, and struggles in a few areas in school. She does not have a super-human understanding of computers. Yes, she likes rice. So do I, though. She is a normal kid).

She is only just now beginning to realize that when she is singled out over her sister on a routine basis by someone who gushes on and on (until I'm vomiting in my mouth a little bit) about how adorable, tiny, cute, precious, and beautiful she is, it's based on the fact that she's the "different" one. While it's not overt racism, it is based on her race. Oh, yes it is (just in case you're sitting there thinking, "No, it's not." lol). Of course, she is absolutely adorable, precious, and beautiful, but think about it... How many strangers would approach her if she were not Chinese? Probably the same number as those who approach my beautiful, white daughter. Zero. Honestly, how often do you go out of your way to approach a stranger, just to compliment them on their beauty? How often do you stop and stare at an all-white family, forgetting everything your mama ever taught you about manners, allowing your head to turn and follow them as they pass, as if they're some kind of novelty act performing for your entertainment?

Tracy, at My Minivan Rocks, also posted on this topic the other day. You can read her thoughts here.

We haven't had to deal with negative racism too badly... yet. As a homeschooled kid, Bri hasn't yet faced any awful "playground comments." Once at a Bible study, during recess, a little boy started arguing with Livie about how Bri wasn't really her sister. Bri got pretty upset about that. It hurt her, but he wasn't a racist- just a confused little kid who couldn't see how they could be related.

A dear man at church came up to Bri shortly after bringing her home, patted her head and said, "Boy they sure do all look the same, don't they?" I was mortified, but at the same time I realized his intentions were not malicious. This man doesn't have a mean bone in his body, and I knew his remarks came more from ignorance and age than from the heart of a racist. Because of my love and respect for this man, I could easily overlook and forgive his comment. However, if anyone else would have said the same thing to me, or if Bri would have been old enough to understand and be hurt by it, I doubt I would have been so understanding.

We also get the occasional disapproving, icy glare from a passing stranger (many times those looks come from Asian people... Hmmm).

Michael had some stupid, teenage, hoodlum punk come up to him at school and ask, "You're the one with the chink for a sister, right?" This one is obviously racism, but neither Bri, nor I, were around to hear it (and thank God for that, or mommy may have been facing assault charges- I'm not a fan of this kid. Can you tell?).

A child at church once said something about Bri being Chinese (it was not a derogatory comment) and another girl became very defensive and told that child she "shouldn't say that." This was told to me by the mother of the defensive kid. She thought it was cute and sweet that her daughter was "protecting" Brianna. Protecting her from what, exactly? I assured the mom that Bri is aware of the fact that she is Chinese, and we do not consider it a bad word. I thought the whole thing was a little silly. Again, this isn't an example of being racist as much as just being racially confused. In our current climate of political correctness and tolerance, nobody ever knows what's allowed and what is not.

I know the day is coming when Bri will be fully confronted with the painful truth of racism, and the internal struggles that will come along with that. For an excellent post on this subject, by someone who lived (lives) it, read "The Skin I'm In" at Heart, Mind and Seoul. Paula also posted about the "O" word recently. Check that one out too, right here. If you're parenting or related to an Asian child, you should be reading Paula's blog. Sometimes her thoughts upset me, other times they challenge me, comfort me, educate me, humble me and break my heart... As an adoptee, I can often identify with her emotions, even though she and I come from two very different backgrounds and points of view. As a Caucasian mom of an Asian child, I sometimes leave her blog just feeling like a stupid white lady- lol! But I always appreciate her honesty, insight, and thought-provoking posts.

I, on the other hand, do not have any deep, meaningful thoughts or insights to share. I'm just a stupid white lady, in Spanx, trying to figure it all out. What about you? Anything to add on the subject?

The latest

Most of you guys in the adoption community have seen these, but my family and friends probably have not. I posted the complete articles for you, which makes this a little long, but I know you people never really click on my links!!! lol!

For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction...

First we have this one: http://www.thanhniennews.com/politics/?catid=1&newsid=38025%3Chttp://www.thanhnien%5C

Vietnamese official discredits US criticism of adoption system
A senior government official Saturday rejected a US embassy report criticizing the Vietnamese adoption system. Vu Duc Long, director of the Justice Ministry’s Department of International Adoptions, said the allegations in the US Embassy report were “groundless” and “unreliable.”
US authorities “did not cooperate with their Vietnamese counterparts in its investigation,” Long said.
The report, released Friday, claimed the Vietnamese adoption system was riddled with corruption and fraud.
The report, written after a review of hundreds of adoptions by US citizens since 2006, said there was evidence of baby-selling in Vietnam.
The two countries agreed to resume the practice of inter-country adoptions in 2006.
In the 18-month period ending March 31, Americans – including actress Angelina Jolie – adopted more than 1,200 Vietnamese children.
A bilateral agreement on adoptions, which was signed in 2005, will expire on September 1.
Long said the US would use the report as a reason for not extending the adoption agreement.
The Associated Press (AP) quoted Long as saying bribery of orphanage officials may occur but serious offenses such as baby-selling or kidnapping were not a problem.
US adoption agencies active in Vietnam told AP that most adoptions in the country were ethical.
Already, the US embassy’s concerns “have left scores of Vietnamese adoptions in limbo,” the AP report said.
Source: Tuoi Tre



And also, this one: http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20080428/ap_on_re_as/vietnam_us_adoption

Vietnam to halt American adoptions after damning US report
By CHRIS BRUMMITT, Associated Press Writer Mon Apr 28, 6:09 PM ET
HO CHI MINH CITY, Vietnam - Vietnam, where growing numbers of Americans have turned to adopt a baby, announced Monday it is halting all U.S. adoptions following allegations of baby-selling, corruption and fraud.
The abrupt cutoff cast a cloud of uncertainty over pending adoptions in the Southeast Asian country, which have surged in the face of tightened restrictions in China, Guatemala and elsewhere.
The announcement came days after The Associated Press published details of a U.S. Embassy report that outlined rampant abuses, including hospitals selling infants whose mothers could not pay their bills, brokers scouring villages for babies and a grandmother who gave away her grandchild without telling the child's mother.
"It is tragic for children that the U.S. government has not been able to find ways to work with the Vietnamese government to prevent adoption abuses while at the same time processing legitimate adoptions," said Tom Atwood, president of the Washington-based National Council for Adoption, a research and advocacy organization.
"Many hundreds, perhaps thousands, of children will not have families as a result of this failure of leadership."
U.S. adoptions have boomed in Vietnam, with Americans — including actress Angelina Jolie — adopting more than 1,200 Vietnamese children over the 18 months ending in March. In 2007, adoptions quadrupled from a year earlier.
In its nine-page report, the U.S. Embassy said some American adoption agencies paid orphanage officials as much as $10,000 per referral, while others took them on shopping sprees and junkets to the United States in return for a flow of babies.
It said questions arose after routine investigations turned up widespread inconsistencies in adoption paperwork. There was also a suspicious surge in the number of babies listed as abandoned, making it impossible to confirm the children were genuine orphans or that their parents had knowingly put them up for adoption, as required by U.S. law.
Vu Duc Long, director of Vietnam's International Adoption Agency, called the U.S. allegations "groundless." On Monday, he said Vietnam was scrapping a bilateral agreement with the United States that sought to regulate the adoption system.
"They (the Americans) can say whatever they want, but we are not going to renew it," Long said.
In a letter to the U.S. Embassy in Hanoi, Vietnam said it would stop taking adoption applications from American families after July 1, but would continue to process applications of families matched with babies before that. Adoption arrangements with other countries were unaffected.
The U.S. Embassy said it respected Hanoi's decision, but was confident of the accuracy of the report.
"The government of Vietnam has made their own decision, but we believe that our report speaks for itself," said spokeswoman Angela Aggeler.
It was not immediately clear how many U.S. couples were affected by the decision.
Linda Brownlee, executive director of a Washington-based international adoption agency, said it was a bitter blow for 20 families on its waiting list who will not be able to be matched with children in time.
"Now their dossiers will be returned to them," said Brownlee of The Adoption Center, one of more than 40 U.S. agencies that arrange adoptions of Vietnamese children.
She said the embassy report did not cover positive aspects of adoptions in the country.
"They didn't say how many visas they had approved with no problem," she said. "I know many agencies who have done great work there and that doesn't get reported."
Keith Wallace, CEO of Families Thru International Adoption, agreed. "The (abuse) cases reported by the embassy ... are such a very small fraction" of U.S. adoptions in Vietnam, he said. "It is wrong to imply that Vietnamese adoptions are corrupt through and though."
Vietnam suspended all adoptions with foreign countries in 2003 over concerns about corruption. U.S. adoptions resumed in 2005 under a bilateral agreement intended to ensure they were above board. It was due for renewal on Sept. 1.
Vietnam is only the latest country where U.S. adoptions have been halted or severely restricted. Suspected fraud and other irregularities have cast a cloud over the nearly 3,000 pending U.S. adoptions from Guatemala, the second-largest source of U.S. adopted children after China. Under State Department pressure, Guatemala is allowing those to go through, but would-be parents were warned last year not to initiate new adoptions.
By contrast, adoptions from Ethiopia are on the increase, growing 71 percent to 1,255 last year. "Ethiopia has become a country where, because of the transparency of the system, many are adopting," said Wallace.
In the Ethiopian capital, Addis Ababa, American adoptive parents have become a common sight in the city's hotels.
On Monday, J.B. Sikes, of Anselmo, Neb., cradled his newly adopted son Binyam.
"It was my desire that my family represent what the Kingdom of God looks like, and that's all different colors," the 39-year-old corn farmer said.
Adopting in Ethiopia, which cost about $30,000, was less expensive and restrictive than in the United States, said Sikes, who has two other biological children.
"We started out wanting to adopt domestically, but we found we were the last one on everyone's list, because we have other children," he said.

U.S. alleges baby-selling rackets in Vietnam

Embassy report says lax policing lets adoption fraud flourish

Associated Press

HANOI, Vietnam - Vietnam has failed to police its adoption system, allowing corruption, fraud and selling babies to flourish, the U.S. Embassy said in a new report obtained by The Associated Press.
The nine-page document describes brokers scouring villages for babies, hospitals selling infants whose mothers cannot pay their bills, and a grandmother giving away her grandchild — without telling the child's mother.

Full article here: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/24298193

JCICS Standards of Practice

This news has already been posted on VVAI, but in case you haven't seen it yet- JCICS has released the Standards of Practice that many in the VN adoption community have been awaiting. You can read it here- too long to include it all in this post.

New York Times Article

For those in the adoption community, this article may be old news. It was posted on one of the groups, so you may have already seen it. However, family and friends who are still unclear on what the fuss is about in Vietnam might find this interesting.

National
Families Adopting in Vietnam Say They Are Caught in Diplomatic Jam
By ELIZABETH OLSON
Published: February 11, 2008
The State Department says that the adoption system in Vietnam fosters “baby buying,” but some complain that the U.S. is singling out individual cases to embarrass the Vietnamese government.

Love Without Boundaries

UPDATE: LWB won today's $1000.00 challenge! Today is the cut-off to win the $50K. Thank you for donating, if you have already. If you haven't and want to, HURRY!

For those of you who may not know, Love Without Boundaries is a wonderful organization that helps children in China's orphanages. They help arrange and pay for surgeries, provide medical care, foster care, and nutritional and educational support. You can visit the website to read more about them here, just finish reading this first!

LWB is taking part in a Giving Challenge sponsored by Facebook. They are in the last 24 hrs. of the challenge and need as many people willing to donate $10 as possible! The charity with the most individual donors giving $10 or more by February 1st will win $50,000 for their charity. They are currently in first place but may not stay that way for long. If they win this money, LWB intends to use the funds to save the lives of orphaned children in China needing heart surgery. Since heart surgeries average $5000 in China, the prize money could help ten children have a second chance at life!

What's really cool about this is that the contest counts each individual donor, not just total dollars raised. So 20 people responding with a donation of only ten dollars will have a greater impact (towards winning the prize money) than one person giving $200. You know you will blow ten bucks on something stupid today anyway! Yes, you will. You'll buy a few mochas, or new lipstick, maybe some Odor-Eaters or new boxer shorts, or something really, really stupid, like bread and milk. But nothing that costs you ten bucks today will be life-changing. Wouldn't you rather use it to help a baby whose life can be changed? Come on... Help a kid!

Their website talks a little more about the challenge here if you need more information, BUT-I would rather you click here to go to their Facebook page. You can read about the contest there and donate. You will need to join Facebook to do it, but you can always delete your profile afterwards if you don't go for that kind of stuff.


LWB also has a blog at: http://lwbchinablog.blogspot.com/

I received this email this morning:
Amy Eldridge posted an announcement to the cause Love Without Boundaries Foundation.
Subject: Final 24 hours plea
My message is a bit long today but I hope you will read it to the end. We have just 24 hours left in the Giving Challenge contest on Facebook. 24 hours to try and stay in the lead. And we can’t do it without you. As I type this, I am staring at the photos of 12 babies who are hurting because they were born with heart disease. Their eyes truly haunt me, first because they are orphaned and as a mother it is hard to accept that any child has to be sick without a mom or dad to comfort them….but second because I know that without surgery, the pictures I have of these children might be their last. Do you know how small a baby’s heart is? And how fragile an orphan’s life is when that tiny heart has a defect? These pictures are of children who are blue, children who are tired, children who NEED OUR HELP. I also have on my desk the photos of children whose hearts we have healed. They stare out at me with pink cheeks and smiles, and in many…with their new adoptive families. THIS is what it is all about. Saving lives, giving a second chance, and allowing a child to find their family and know complete love. In the next 24 hours we have a chance to give the GIFT OF LIFE to 10 more children in need. The charity with the most unique $10 donors at 12 noon PST on February 1st will win $50,000. Heart surgery in China averages just $5000 per child, so with that prize….ten children can have a second chance at life. I am not going to ask you today to find 10 more donors, or even 5 more donors to help us. I am asking you to find just ONE person in your life that hasn’t donated and to ask that person to please help you save a life. For just $10. If all of us do this, we could have over a thousand new donors in just one day. How often do we spend $10 on things that last just a moment? $10 for two fancy coffees, $10 for a movie and popcorn, $10 for a dinner out. How about for today, for the next 24 hours, we all find $10 for something that will last a LIFETIME. $10 to save a baby’s life and allow a priceless child (who is orphaned and totally innocent) to get a second chance at finding a family to love them. Find just one friend in the next 24 hours, and encourage them to join our cause and donate. $10 for the life of a child. Of all the money you have spent this week….this might be the most important. Thank you EVERYONE for keeping LWB in the running for the top prize. We love our supporters and give thanks everyday for the amazing generosity, compassion, and kindness you show to those who live as orphans each and every day. We truly are a family, bound together by the belief that every child born on this earth matters. Here’s the link! http://apps.facebook.com/causes/view_cause/51591 Let’s do it for the kids.
Amy

A Voice For Rural Women of China

This is an article from latimes.com about Xie Lihua, an activist for women's rights in China. If you have a Chinese daughter, this may be of interest to you. Even if you don't, it's pretty good at explaining the current condition of women's rights in China's rural areas. When I come across articles like this I save them for Bri, hoping that in the future, they will give her a clearer understanding of her birth country, its cultural climate, and the factors that may have influenced her birth parents' decisions.


**Unrelated personal news- My MIL has broken her other hip (she broke one last July 4th, too- along with her elbow). This happened just yesterday and she went into surgery late last night. Darrell is with her, but I don't have any news yet. Please keep her in your prayers. She is such a sweetheart- I love her to pieces, and feel so bad for her. She was still having trouble with pain from the last break when we saw her at Christmas. If you don't hear from me for awhile, that's one of the reasons why- my mind is on other things. Upon my return, we will discuss the poll results and declare me the winner.

Well, here's an interesting little tidbit I saw on the MSN page today. Have you seen it? In my 18 yrs. of marriage, there have been times I felt I was sleeping with a stranger, times I felt I was sleeping with the enemy, and plenty of times I felt I just wasn't sleeping because of the cacophonous log sawing taking place next to me, but thank God I wasn't sleeping with my brother. Everyone, say EEEWWWWW! Seriously, I feel terrible for the couple in the article below. It's a sad situation and I'm sure they're devastated, but... again, I must say EEEWWWWW. I'm sorry. On the outside I have wrinkles; on the inside I am 11. This is, like, major icky. I know this is a serious subject, one that is relevant in the adoption community, and I don't mean to make fun. It's just that it's... yucky.

To be completely honest, when I first discovered, at age 26, that I had a half-brother, my first concern was, "Oh geez, I hope I didn't date the guy" (I didn't, BTW... A round of High Fives, anyone?). There was another case in the news several months back about a sibling couple in Germany. They have four kids, and are determined to stay together, in spite of the father being sentenced to jail for incest. Their situation is a little different though, and harder for the squeamish (like Chelle) to understand, because they knew they were siblings when they "got together." Shall I say it again, or do I try to be mature about it? Nope. Here it comes. EEEWWWW. EEEWWWWWWWW. Vomiting in my mouth. And EEEWWWWWWWWWW.

The details of the following story are pretty sketchy, and in fact, I kind of wonder if this could be an invention on the part of the lawmaker to get his agenda pushed through. Regardless, he has a point. I think he's right. Whether or not this did happen; it could and has happened. And people do have a right to know from whom and where they came.

Twins separated at birth meet, get married

British case forces review of rights of children to know identities; AP

LONDON - Twins who were separated at birth got married without realizing they were brother and sister, a lawmaker said, urging more information be provided on birth certificates for adopted children.

A court annulled the British couple's union after they discovered their true relationship, Lord David Alton said.

"Everyone has a right to knowledge about their lineage, genealogy and identity. And if they don't, then it will lead to cases of incest," Alton said during a telephone interview Friday.

Alton first revealed details of the unusual case last month during a five-hour debate about a bill that would change regulations about human embryology.

"I was recently involved in a conversation with a High Court judge who was telling me of a case he had dealt with," Alton said according to a transcript of the Dec. 10 debate. "It involved the normal birth of twins who were separated at birth and adopted by separate parents.

"They were never told that they were twins," Alton said. "They met later in life and felt an inevitable attraction, and the judge had to deal with the consequences of the marriage that they entered into and all the issues of their separation."

Alton gave no additional details and would not reveal the name of the judge who told him about the case.

The High Court's Family Division declined to discuss or confirm Alton's account about the twins.

A child's right to know
Alton, an independent legislator who works at Liverpool's John Moores University, said the siblings' inadvertent marriage raises the wider issue of the importance of strengthening the rights of children to know the identities of their biological parents, including kids who were born through in vitro fertilization.

Under British law, only a mother has to be named on a birth certificate. Such certificates also are not required to identify births that result from IVF or to identify the sperm donor.

In addition, British law does not require parents to ever tell children that they were the result of donated sperm.

Alton believes this should be changed.

Alton said he favors an amendment to the Human Fertility and Embryology bill — which is still being debated in the House of Lords — that would require birth certificates of children born from donated sperm to say that and to identify the genetic father.

Referring to the twins' case, he said: "If you start trying to conceal someone's identity, sooner or later the truth will come out. And if you don't know you are biologically related to someone, you may become attracted to them and tragedies like this may occur."

There's that horrible knot in my stomach again...

It' s after 3 in the morning here. What better thing to do than blog? Why am I up blogging at 3 a.m.? Because I woke up in the middle of the night, upset, thinking about what I read last night on Anne's blog. See her post titled "Sick and Wrong." I'm not going to take the time or the extra space to recap what she said. My posts are already way too long and wordy as it is. You'll just have to click over there and read it, or this post won't make complete sense. I fell asleep thinking about it, and woke up thinking about it. I think I'm done sleeping. Yeah! (BTW-at 3 a.m., we agree to forgive the typos, right?)

I wasn't finished feeling sad and outraged over that whole thing with the Dutch diplomats (If you were out of the country or something and don't know what I'm talking about, I first read about it here on Mrs. Broccoli Guy's blog), and now this; something new to lose sleep over.

If you've read my blog in the past, then you already know I have an enormous pet peeve regarding the use of the word "own" in connection with adopted children. It infuriates me. For a refresher you can click here to see one of my previous posts on this subject.

I've pointed out before that the biggest problem in talking about this type of thing here is that I am either preaching to the choir, and chewing out PAPs who already agree with my feelings and can wholeheartedly love and accept a child as "their own," or I am talking to friends or family members who have not and will not be adopting, and don't fully understand what I'm ranting about. Bummer. I have no real way of reaching my target, as this is the only platform I have. Regardless, I have to try anyway. There's always the one in a million chance that the right person will see it. So here we go...

Most parents enter into the adoption process ignorant about a few things. I know we sure did. But thankfully, we all learn as we go, and by the time a child joins our family, we have hopefully become more educated, enlightened, and ready to be good parents. However, some of us are self-centered, spoiled brats who are still too childish ourselves to even consider having a child, through any means. It's to the second group I'd like to direct the following comments. If you're in the second group, chances are you don't realize it because self-centered, spoiled brats are rarely aware they are self-centered and spoiled, so read this anyway and see if any of it sticks.

I'll start with a no-brainer: If you are not prepared to lay aside your own selfishness, YOU HAVE NO BUSINESS adopting a child. The truth is, we are all self-focused to some extent before children come into our lives. But the heart of a true parent, is one that wants to lay self aside in order to focus on a child. Once that kid is in your house, your life is no longer about you. Agreed? I believe adoption parenting requires an extra measure of maturity. Truthfully, your child may not like you after the adoption is final. There is no complaint department or return desk. You're stuck, friend. So you better make darn sure you're ready to stick. This little person whom you've loved within your heart and mind for months or even years of waiting, does not love you back right away. Your ego will get bruised. Your feelings will be hurt. It's not pleasant to wait so long for this child to arrive only to feel their body stiffen and pull away when you want a hug. It's disappointing. But it's not about you. You cannot focus on your *self.* To love a child, is to make a decision to be committed to that kid from now on. That's what love is. It's not the warm fuzzies. It's the day in, day out choice to remain committed, whether or not you're getting anything out of it.

If you are interested in adoption, but would like to have YOUR OWN kids first, YOU HAVE NO BUSINESS adopting a child. Is that harsh? Yes. But as long as your heart is still making a distinction between "blood relatives" and those who are not, and you are thinking about genetics and DNA, you will not be able to provide the adopted child with what every child needs: to feel completely, totally, 100% LOVED and ACCEPTED for who they are. Do not fool yourself into thinking the child will never know you feel this way. OH, YES THEY WILL. YES. THEY. WILL. *Of course some adoptive parents have turned to adoption only after struggling to have biological children. Had they been able to have a child "the old-fashioned way," they may never have adopted at all. There's no shame in that. I'm not talking about the chronological order of events, here- I'm talking about a mindset and an attitude of the heart. I'm referring specifically to people who view adoption as a "lesser" method of creating a family. My heart aches for parents who have had to struggle with the heartbreaking disappointments of infertility or pregnancy and child loss. I would never want my comments to be misinterpreted as being directed at you.

Once and for all, an adopted child IS YOUR OWN child. If you can't or won't look at adoption that way, YOU HAVE NO BUSINESS adopting a child.

If you think of yourself as some benevolent, charitable do-gooder who loves the feeling you get from dropping change into the Salvation Army bucket, and you're willing to provide a home for some poor orphan because you are so incredibly awesome, YOU HAVE NO BUSINESS adopting a child. Yes, the Bible says, "Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world (Janes 1:27)," and I completely believe and agree with that, but it also says, in Romans 12:3, "For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the measure of faith God has given you." In other words, Get off your high horse, if I may paraphrase God Almightly. Maybe you could go pick out a puppy from the humane society. Do not try to do your good deed by adopting a kid. Kids do not need a noble benefactor. They need parents who are able and willing to love them unconditionally for the unique and precious treasures they are.

If you are not prepared to recognize, accept, and embrace your child's "baggage," YOU HAVE NO BUSINESS adopting a child. The child's birth country, culture, race, pre-adoption circumstances, and yes- BIRTH PARENTS, are all a part of who that child is and will always be. If you hope or plan to strip the child of those things, you are being selfish. I'm sorry if that sounds mean, but I think any parent who wants to forget the child's beginnings and treat him or her as if their lives began on the day of adoption is being mean. And heartless. And incredibly selfish. SELFISH. If it seems like too much of a hassle to incorporate your child's birth culture into your life and family's routine, then maybe adoption is not for you. If you feel too threatened or intimidated (or dare I say "jealous?") by the birth parents, maybe adoption isn't for you. Every human being has a right to know as much as possible about where they came from. We all have an innate need to feel connected to something and someone. Don't strip your child of that. We may never be able to provide our kids with all the details of their lives before meeting us, but we owe it to them to tell them what we do know, and to treat that information with respect. Your child's birth parents ARE NOT your competitors. They are forever a part of who your child is. You don't have to like them, understand them, or agree with what they've done. You do have to realize that they were chosen by God to create your child, and it is because of them that you have been or will be blessed with him or her. In many, many cases, one mother's heart will be forever broken, so that another's can stop breaking. For that reason alone, they deserve your respect, regardless of what you think of their choices and circumstances. By honoring your child's past, you honor your child. Get it?

Along with the above, if you believe that adopting a young baby means avoiding all those pesky attachment and bonding issues that only come with older children, YOU HAVE NO BUSINESS adopting a child. At least not until you've educated yourself on the subject. Adopting a newborn is no guarantee that your child won't suffer the affects of grief and/or attachment disorders. Do you understand that? If you hear nothing else I say, please hear that. And in case you forgot or didn't know, I am speaking as an adoptee. I hate to plunk the adoptee card down on the table too often, but I do know what I'm talking about in this. Your child has experienced a loss, no matter how young they were at the time it occurred. Yes, adoption is a wonderful way to build a family. But in order for your family to be born, another family was severed; Your child's first family. Your child has lost something. There can and quite likely will be some form of fall-out from that. Adoption parenting is not for sissies. It is parenting the hard way. It is not all giggles, and booties, and cute smiles. If you're not prepared to handle the good, bad, and ugly of it- then WAIT, or just DON'T do it.

If you desire to follow the latest trend like Angelina, Madonna, et al, and adopt some cute, needy kid, or you think of choosing a child the way most people choose a sweater and want one in the right size, shape, or color, YOU HAVE NO BUSINESS adopting a child. I'd really like to go as far as saying you have no business being a parent, period- since you cannot guarantee that any child, whether by birth or adoption, will fit your criteria- but I'm trying to be nice. Children are not fashion accessories, and should not be treated as such. I'm not saying it is never appropriate to consider race/nationality in adoption. But those considerations should be about what's in the best interest of the child. I'm also well aware that many people have strong opinions and solid reasons for requesting a specific gender, but I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about statements like this: "If we adopt from Russia, the kid will still look like one of our own," or "Those little Asian babies sure are cute. I wouldn't mind getting one (that one was said to me after bringing my daughter home, and I almost puked over the use of the word "getting" because it sounded a whole lot like *acquiring* or *buying* goods)."

If you find yourself being focused on the cost of the child, as opposed to the cost of adoption, YOU HAVE NO BUSINESS adopting a child. If you are constantly thinking of the $30K you're putting into this kid, you will most definitely wind up disappointed when the kid does not live up to your expectations (which will happen. We all have hidden expectations of our children- adopted or not) and you fail to get your money's worth. Maybe you should put that money into something that is more likely to perform to your expectations, like a car. Even then you might get a lemon, huh? Oh dear... Do some APs view their adopted children as "lemons?" You bet they do. You cannot place a cash value on the life of a child. They are priceless. Adoption is expensive. Suck it up and deal with it, or don't adopt.

So, why should a person adopt? That's not really something one person can answer, but I think it should start with this: Because you want to love a child; A child of YOUR OWN.

I have so much more I could say, but again- I feel as if my point is misdirected at those who need to hear it the least. It's a very helpless feeling. Plus, as usual, I've talked waaaayyy too long. So I'll shut up. Gosh, why do you guys keep putting up with all my babbling? I might as well go take a shower and put the coffee on. The little ones have their first basketball games this morning. I'll post a picture or two of them later.